'It's Okay.'" He said but I know he doesn't mean it. He is the voice in my head. Many times a day I come back to the same place, same event, same conversation and everything replays the same way. He says it the same way, flat tone without a twist, devoid of emotion.
His expression reveals nothing, his eyes as cold as ice. I don't know what he thinks or what he means when he says 'It's okay.'" I can only intuitively understand that he doesn't mean what he says.
He said it when I did something wrong but I had no idea if I had upset him. When I couldn't pick up the phone and there were 14 misscalls, I called back, said sorry and he said 'it's okay" and yet it felt like I was too late.
Beneath that cold exterior is a man in his own world. He is okaying everything and yet leaving everything . I am throwing punches to the wind. To the ambiguous character I could not decipher no matter how hard I tried.
To be what kind of person I should be . . . .is not the question. My sincerity could not win him as a woman, as a friend, as an enemy, as an acquaintance?. He run to the south, to the east to the north everywhere but next to me. Even in close proximity he is million miles away. He is gone. What left standing is a memory buried improperly. He is a living dead I have no way to reach out or to leave.
Even so, love is untamed force. Trampled, crumpled, ruined, broken, pained, hurt and yet 'it's okay.'"
2004 - 2005
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