Dreaming by Kim Soo-hyun

I love Kim Soo-hyun. I fell in love with him in Dream High as the country boy turned talented singer Song Sam-dong. This song means a lot to Song Sam-dong who was gradually losing his hearing ability. I really like this song. It is really meaningful. It's a song about persevering against all odds. 

Enjoy the song with me today. K?
Xoxo

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Dream High

When Dream High was broadcasted earlier last year, I was a little skeptical about the drama. Well, it was really an idol casting and most of the cast were having little or no ability in acting. 

Credit must go to a few of the lead stars such as Kim Soo-hyun who rocked the drama. Suzy was wooden, Iu was cute, Woo-young was not doing bad and Taecyeon was okay.

Actually the real actors were only Eunjung and Kim Soo-hyun. I felt for their story.

I too liked Lee Yoon-ji character as the teacher. 

What I liked about this drama was that although it was not a supposedly great drama but the idea was fresh and it worked.The screen writer managed to flesh out each character nicely and plot wise it was well paced and well connected. 

It's worth your time. The first four episode  could be a little boring but the reason why I put this on my blog is because overall I liked it and would love to recommend  you to watch it. It is nice. Say 3 1/3 stars. 

Enjoy!

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The Three Stooges Learning Microbial (3& 4/98)

I attended a Microbial Identification Workshop on the 27th till 28th Sept 2012.

By attending the Workshop itself, it has been a blessing already.

To add to that grueling two days, I was accompanied by two fellow friends and together we all had this wonderful time. 

To count the blessing itself:

1) I had managed to learn, to understand and to run the Polymerase Chain Reaction Machine which used to be a sky high technical skill for me to reach, what more to run. 

2) The Microbial lecture and practical had enhanced my knowledge in that area. It will going to be useful for me to further train the lab staff in my working place. 

3) I had fun going out with two of my friends. Wonderful ya! 

I am blessed indeed. You know the opportunity to learn what you love to do is something not everyone can have. Right!

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I Want To Know

I want to know

when day is done

That life have been

worth living.

That I have brought

somebody joy

Through kind

 unselfish living.

I want to feel

when evening falls

and shadows

quickly lengthen

That I have made

somebody glad;

Some weakness

I have strengthened.

I want to know

that come what may

I've left some cheer

and gladness;

I want to feel,

at close of day

I've banished

someone's sadness.

I want to feel

at close of day,

That someone's cares

were lighter;

Because of kindness

 I have done,

May someone's life

 be brighter.

Author unknown

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Space and Money

About two weeks ago, I have packed a lot of my stuffs and sent it balik kampung. After only about three years living in this house I have actually managed to hoard a lot of things. Well, I think sometime when we buy things we rarely think of the space to put it especially clothes, that's how it piles up without us realizing it. Right?

I think I sent roughly about three bags filled with my clothes. Some I still love to wear and some like my jeans and skirts don't fit me any longer since my waist have expanded from a mere 25 to 28.hmmm. Those I still love to use I sent it back due to storage space. I love spacious room. It allows me to space out comfortably. Hehhh. . .I decided then to leave only 10 shirts and 5 pants for daily use. The rest were my working clothes which also I had carefully picked. As it turned out, I could actually live with only a few clothes. *Not a surprise. :) 

Since doing the mega choosing, picking and packing, the idea of careful shopping according to space available hit my mind quite obtrusively. 

As I have mentioned before (here), I have the tendency to fill the emptiness in my heart by impulsively buying things. Well, city girl way of having fun is going to shopping complex and spend on clothing, hair, nails, cosmetic stuff, shoes, handbags and cute things that grab the eye, right? That's me.  However, the new found realization of how important a space is if I were to buy anything, made me become more careful in making a decision, thus avoiding impulsive shopping..*phew. Save money & space. (hopefully it last) *nod head and say Amen.! 

This is money related of course. A really big financial mistake that can be overcome by careful thinking. If it hits you right, you'll never be the same again. 

That is for now. Let's practice careful shopping according to space available. Ya?

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The Innocent Man Ep-2

I have not been completely blown away by this drama but it piqued my interest. I really would love to know what would happen next. :)

In this episode, briefly, Kang Maru managed to save Eun gi life. But, the truth about Jae Hee being married to a rich man hit him hard. He reminisced the past of how he first met her and how happy they were. Tears trickled from his eyes remembering the past. 

Han Jae Hee was shaken after meeting Kang Maru and remembered how he saved her. However, Han Jae Hee tried to pay her DEBT by giving Kang Maru a billion Won through Jae Gil. Refusing to take it, Kang Maru drove all the way to her home and placed the envelope with money into the letter box. However, Seo Eun gi, who had been monitoring every moved Jae Hee made knew about the money she withdrew and sent a spy to investigate where the money was used. 

Confronted by Eun gi who managed to check out from the hospital, Jae Hee told her it was a gift for saving Eun gi life. Eun gi didn't believe her which forced Jae Hee to make up another lie and said that it was a money to shut up the guy who blackmailed her. Jae Hee used Eun gi past conviction of carrying drug as the reason the man was blackmailing her. The secret it seemed if revealed would compromise Eun gi post as the next chairman of The Taesan Group.

A flashback from the past revealed how Eun gi, took the blame of carrying the drug to save a man she loved. The man was now married.

Eun gi knew about Jae Hee knowing Kang Maru in the past and further tried to dig in the truth by reporting to the police about the accused blackmailing. Kang Maru was dragged to the police station and interrogated face to face with Jae Hee. Jae Hee threw the lies in his face, while Kang Maru stared her in silence refusing to open his mouth. He was released for lack of evidence.

Kang Maru returned back home to an empty house. His sick sister again who was caught in the rain passed out on the road while running out after him when he was dragged to the police station. She was sent to the hospital. 

 Kang Maru and Eun gi were up against each other (unknowingly) in an off road motorbike race. Eun gi motorbike crashed and she was thrown from it rolling down a steep hill. She managed to cling to a small branch and seconds from falling to her death when she loosed her grip if her hand was not caught in time by Kang Maru who was shocked to see her again* cliffhanger.

Comments

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Jae Hee, looked like genuinely cared about Eun gi but to save her past from coming back to her, she threw lies after lies which only further implicating the innocent Kang Maru. Kang Maru was ready to let her go, but he couldn't believe how Jae Hee was paying his ruined life with money and then further dragging him in a lie he did not intend to partake.

A Gift of People (2/98)

I had not been very positive the whole day. Truthfully, I sulked the whole night before because of a work-related matter and how at that moment of anger, I felt like the whole world was against me. :), However, I stick to my resolution to only note on the good things that happened and to focus on those things I should be grateful about. 

Today, I went for an outstation to take samples from pigs in some remote areas in the villages. While passing the road, I saw a bunch of people from youngsters to oldies who were gathered together at a bus stop having some kind of a fiesta on their own . Cans were littered everywhere nearby and people (maybe the men) were drinking in bright day light. But..weirdly, it didn't disgust me, because they didn't drink to get drunk it seemed. I mean people work in the morning and have fun at night but these people were actually happily drinking in a day light. I didn't really have any specific thought then. It just that...I was thinking about people being kind to each other, and allow things like "drinking" to get together...at anytime of the day as something...INTERESTING..everyone goes out of their own way to value each other. How nice is that.

In this life, it has been said that...the most important thing is people. We live for someone and the moment we start living for ourselves, our lives start to get nowhere. Less enjoyment, less fulfilling life.

What makes me happy today is again people. One of my staff, a very nice senior technician jokingly asked me to buy her  a packet of white chilies at the place that I went to and I bought it and brought it delightfully to her. I am not sure why but no matter how many times I have done it in the past, I always feel surprisingly happy to see the receivers excited faces, upon receiving a gift or something you bought for them. 

Isn't it nice to see people smiling? It's a blessing that warmth the heart for the mere reason of giving love to someone freely. 

I love people. I am blessed indeed to have people in my life.

During the Sabah International Exposition (SIE)

Today, I went to the Sabah International Exposition (SIE) 2012 held at the Grand Ballroom, Magellan Sutera.The picture on the left was taken from the Indonesia exhibition booth. They were selling mainly Indonesian's batik garments. I bought a shawl from there :)

There were many interesting booths to visit but in particular I had a sweet time testing a new frozen herb's ice cream that was just launched during the SIE and I was also captivated by the musical performance of some youngsters at the Petronas exhibition booth. 

At the Public Bank exhibition booth a lady introduced about the Public Mutual fund which I was never really aware of. She talked about it's trust investment which according to her was probably better than Amanah Saham Bumiputera (ASB)?. Well, I just realized how little I know about money. Right?

Apart from that I visited a few real estate booth and asked a lot about housing property. They were all quite honest. I was glad I had some wonderful advice from them. Maybe it's time to get serious about buying a house. :)

*Note: this is a scheduled post. The event took place on the 21st Sept 2012

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The Innocent Man Ep-1

This is a new drama I have been curious about. A few sites has mentioned how good it was and out of curiosity I checked it out today. I think the first episode was good.

In  a very brief summary, Kang Maru was a medical student who had shown a great talent to become a genius doctor in the future. However his love for Jae Hee forced him to give up on his future. In exchange for Jae Hee future he took the blame of murdering a man Jae Hee killed.He later became a man filled with remorse. In this first episode he was shown as having a relationship with a female con artist which in a twist of fate, conned by him to get back all the money she pocketed from another man. He left her empty handed after he got her money.

Jae Hee was a woman full of ambition. She killed a man trying to protect another man. The exact story was not yet fully told but the man she protected later became her husband and soon they had a child together. She also became a stepmother to Eun gi.

Eun gi hated Jae Hee. She blamed her of chasing her mother out of the house. She was a very tough, businesslike lady who was very workaholic even when she was sick.

 

Kang Maru met Jae Hee for the first time after a few years on the plane where Eun gi was critically ill and collapsed on his shoulder while on her way out from the toilet. He left her lying on the floor but returned later to check on her after persuaded by his friend to consider her as if she was his own sister Choco. He tried to help Eun gi when Jae Hee tried to stop him telling him that he was not even a doctor.

Comments

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I loved the look in Song Joong Ki eyes. He really was a different person as Kang Maru in this drama. Moon Chae Won was in character as Eun gi and Park Shi Yeon as Jae Hee was hard to tell. She was a villain but too likable to be hated..by me.

An old Friend (1/98)

There are still 98 days left until next year. Today, I have decided to count my blessings by writing at least one thing I am thankful/happy about in a day.

Today an old friend of mine called up in the late afternoon. She said she had been worrying that I had not been active on social network since early this year. I told her I am fine and we chatted for a long while until the phone went off. She talked about her new born baby boy and I could hear her happy voice over the phone. There were so many things to talk about that we talked almost about the same time, eager to talk and to hear any news from each other.

This friend of mine is a tall, fair woman with big round eyes and full lips. We had a long history together as friends. I first met her in secondary school when she still had this short almost bee hive hair. She being matured physically faster than the rest of the girls was very easy to notice. But what made her memorable to me was the fact that she was the person who first initiated a conversation with me on the first day of school. Then and there we became friends and had been inseparable ever since.

 

When I transferred to a different school, we exchanged letters. We talked about everything from boys to schools and anything in between. I think she was the only one who held the secret I had; well documented in the form of letters. While I carefully pour out about my strange new world to her, she allowed me to connect to the world I recognized as where I belonged to. 

Even after attending a different university, we managed to keep in touch. We visited each other and had a wonderful time sharing our bad and good times together. There were so many memories that I shared with her. I could write a novel just talking about the two of us and I think it would be an interesting one because we are really the total opposite of each other.

Listening to her voice today reminds me of the old good days. There were so much beauty in the past that in a flashback bring back so much of feelings meshed into one.)

I loved her. I really am blessed indeed.

Teasing Your Eyes

The varieties of food

Barbecue

Tea in a nice set of tea cup

This is my first time going to a Korean eateries. I went with a girlfriend of mine. We tried the water kimchi and pork barbecue dishes. It was nice..I love both. The price was quite costly but the owner who served us was really doing a lot to serve us well. 

I think not many people visited this place but I think if anyone want to come and try a serving of Korean food, you can go here. It's the building opposite karamunsing supermarket. It is called Deli Korea? 

Try to walk in there. It's an unforgettable experience!

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Work, Not Working

Some people have this attitude of going out during working hours. They have so many reasons to go out. On Monday they have to go to the workshop because the car needs some tinkering. On Tuesday they need to go to the bank to withdraw money? On Wednesday they need to send their mother or father to somewhere. On Thursday they need to go to the post office to settle their bills. On Friday they need to go home early to avoid traffic jam since they have to go back to their hometown. That if they asked for permission. If they don't ask, they simply disappeared at 8.30am to have breakfast and again at 10.00 am to have mid morning tea break. At 12.00pm they already headed out for lunch or at 11.30am to fetch their children from school (this one is okay except that they return back to the office at 3.00pm). And before the time is up they are already queuing up to punch card. Hmmm. What say you?

Anyway, I am just writing out a very common scenario. It may not exist everywhere but what I am trying to bash is not particularly the people. It could have been the system that don't work.

We often say there are too many works for only a handful of people but really, sometime people are just not being trained or taught to do more. Emm, I think not being trained is not really the right reason. It's because of a LAZY culture. When new people come in they simply step in the shoes of those people with the kind of attitudes that don't spell effective.

Furthermore, those who manage to get in are those from relatives and friends of so an so and they are not even qualified to be trained to do a specific task. A waste of manpower.They don't have the basic knowledge and not even the attitude to learn. And you know it's easier to just shake your head and get on with your life instead of mothering people. They are not rebellious teenagers, they are mother and father of their children.

As the organization starts crumbling down as evidenced by decrease in quality of the core business services, nobody really see anything wrong. They only happen to comment on the flooding of manpower in some areas. Of course without quality. You would wonder where did all the good one gone? The brain drain.

I hope the good one had a better chance in life. I know they worked really hard in school. My sympathy only goes to those who did try to get a better job but sidelined by the mighty and powerful in preferences for the relatives and friends.

So please understand when the service is slow and the people are lazy. Some are inherently lazy and some just couldn't take the s*** that they start to play pretend and lay dormant for sanity sake.

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Arang And The Magistrate -Ep 12

I have decided to write a brief recap/summary of every episode of Arang and The Magistrate starting from ep. 12 onwards. I think it would be more fun. 

There were some major revelation in this episode. Arang read Lee Seo Rim diary and remembered how she first took a glance of Jo wool. He was her love at first sight to which she brazenly asked her father to propose a marriage to his family. Although it was accepted, Jo wool was cold towards her and never made a move to see her. 

Jo Wool was in dilemma. He knew the witch wanted Arang physical body and for that reason the witch advised him to forget about her. He sneaked in her room and again tried to thrust the knife into her heart but he couldn't do it. He realized he had fallen in love with Arang. He couldn't cut off his feelings for her as instructed by the witch Mo Yuen. 

Dol sui found out the truth about Arang background as a ghost who became human. 

The magistrate burdened by his feelings for Arang decided to be frank with her and confessed his feelings to her. He hoped Arang was Arang and Lee Seo Rim was a past. Arang intuitively knew his feelings and tried to stop him from revealing it but he was adamant. Arang told him to not like her because she didn't have any feeling for him. 

Comments
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It looked like Arang did like the magistrate but she knew her days were numbered and she didn't want it to burden her or The Magistrate. She just wanted to know the truth of her death and leave peacefully.

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Money

It is not easy to talk about money but also in order to understand about money, we need to talk about it.

Personally I think I have made a few financial mistake and I think to justify my mistakes it 's because of a few things;

1) I never learned how to handle it earlier due to a family having nothing or little money to begin with.

2) When I started my work, my starting salary was a little bit on the low side and whatever I had then, there was no way I could save it for so long and not to withdraw it later.

After graduation I read a lot on financial management and I understood much then not to purchase big cars or rely on credit cards.

I think I was pretty much level headed about money. I was lucky because I didn't have study loan and all I needed to start with upon graduation was my bare hands to get on with my first step.

I too don't fancy flashy things like new gadgets aka cellular phone, laptop, camera, branded handbags, shoes and clothes. I really did have a pretty frugal life.

In fact, my need was so little, I never really thought about working in a big company to earn more money. But that's not necessarily good.

However, even with a modest way of living I found myself not that financially secure.

I made my first loan when I started working in a farm. It was a place my brother could not send me. That was how I purchased a small car and without a down payment I ended up having to pay for it for nine years. 

After much thought and it really was something I had to do I took a personal loan. The reason for this second loan was because I wanted to help my parents to build their house. It was then followed by debts for my wedding. My hubby and I shared the whole expenses. Just so you know, my husband also needed to pay a dowry for the bride/me and believe me it wasn't even that high but it did burdensome. 

But I think my biggest problem with money is not in buying big flashy things but in being a very impulsive shopper. It is not always because I need to buy things but because of emotional needs. Emptiness can create a bad habit. It's true. I need to overcome this. . .

And then again if you live in the city, your life is pretty much about spending money on daily basis. You have to pay for almost everything. 

The only thing you may able to scrape by a little is your food. Sadly if you are not thinking about health aspect, you will end up with fast food or junk food. 

Other things like house rent you can manage paying not much but you may have to sacrifice living uncomfortably by having to share it with a bunch of people. But not when you are married. You still need a comfortable place for your new family to flourish wonderfully. 

And I have not even started about hobbies which may or may not be helpful depending on which side you want to look at. On matter of satisfaction or fulfilling life needs for creative entertainment, it is good but on matter of saving money maybe in particular buying book, it is costly. I do love library but as I said before, for me going to the library for the time being actually cost me more than the car park fee. Maybe not. . .I shall review this statement. Huhu

There are other things that I want to leave undiscussed for today. Maybe I'll write more about it on a different day. 

For now let just start with being honest about it. It's a need but also a burden. How best to live with or without money? Let's find out together. ;)

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Flower Boy Ramyun Shop

I didn't watch a lot of dramas last year that I happened to like enough to talk about it. Flower Boy Ramyun Shop was an exception. As childish as it might seems it managed to keep me glued to the screen.

This drama was starred by Jung Il Woo as Cha Chi Soo and Lee Chung Ah as Yang Eun Bi. The rest of the casts were Lee Ki Woo as Choi Kang hyuk, Park Min woo as Kim Ba wool and Jo Yoon woo as Woo Hyun Woo. It was directed by Jung Jun-hwa and written by Yoon Nan-joong.

What I loved about this drama is the fact that it is a rom-com and it really isn't trying so hard to be serious. It is indeed a very light drama.

However, it is not something without fault. To me Kang-hyuk suited better with Eun-bi with palpable chemistry between them.

Chi-soo if I should call it as infatuation towards Eun bi was rather infantile. I mean he was only 19 and Eun bi was 26??

How on earth can you believe such pairing would last with enough similarities to survive a matured relationship.

But of course, as I said it's a drama which has nothing to do with reality?

Anyway the play out of the story was well paced with or without good sense.

I still loved it though. I think because I liked Jung Il Woo and Lee Ki-woo.

Watch it. You wouldn't mind the flaws. ;) 3 and 1/2 stars!

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My Work, Not Working

It's not enough just being able to go to work punctually. The most important thing is to go to work and work diligently.

My problem with work is, often than not my superior order me to do things I really don't feel like doing.huh! It's a challenge.

As a result of that, as much as I prepare myself to arrive on time I can't really seems to be at ease doing anything.

I mean, I arrived punctually, never go out during working hours, even have lunch in the office and leave office on time, and yet I don't have any motivation to follow orders.

Part of me is rebelling and partly trying to be submissive but in the end I only do my part minimally.

However much I tried my best to finish my task, there is always a line I am not willing to cross which is to do more.

I know it's bad but I must admit, I can't love the task I am given. It is too. . . .hmmm. . If I can use a metaphor it's like asking me to chase the wind and capture it. Imagine a bomb being dropped to you every time the order comes around. *snap . Just like that. No head, no tail. . . Well. . .maybe that's an exaggeration but let me just say, I am not in. *shaking head.

So, because the environment isn't that conducive or fair enough for a person to survive and also I have problem trying to give my best, I think I am facing a big problem like wasting my energy and dying slowly with a lot of pent up emotions. You see, even plant dies if not planted on the right soil with enough sunshine and rain.

How can you say yes when you really mean to say no or say maybe when you really want to say never.

NO AND NEVER

I really have to go...somewhere over the rainbow.

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Luck by Andrew Matthews

I find it easier to find inspiration while watching drama or movie. My mind simply wander and the idea starts to flow out ceaselessly. It's like opening a tap and the water just come rushing out like that..*woooshhhhhhh

Enuff CF. . . 

What I am thinking right now is to share with you a parable written by Andrew Matthews in his book entitled Follow Your Heart. 

The story goes something like this, in his own words;

There once lived a farmer. He had a son and a horse. One day the farmer's horse ran away, and all his neighbours come to console him, saying: "What bad luck that your horse has run away!"

And the old man replied: "Who knows if it's good luck or bad luck."

Within a week, the farmer's horse returned home, followed by twenty wild horses. The farmer's neighbours come to celebrate, saying "What good luck that you have your horse back- plus another twenty!"

And the old man replied:"Who knows if it's good luck or bad luck!"

The next day the farmer's son was riding amongst the wild horses, and fell and broke his leg. The neighbours came to console him, saying:"What bad luck!"

And the farmer said: "Who knows if it's good or bad luck!"

And some of the neighbours were angry, and said: "Of course it's bad luck, you silly old fool!"

Another week went by, and an army came through town, enlisting all the fit young man to fight in distant lands. The farmer's son, with his broken leg, was left behind. All the neighbours came to celebrate, saying:"What good luck that your son was left behind!"

And the farmer said:"Who knows?"
****

The moral of the story was if you want more peace, stop labelling everything that happens as good or bad!

Everything happens for a reason and you are not able to see the whole picture.

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No One Else

This is the OST song for More Than Blue. It is a really sad song and it is so deep. It fits the movie so perfectly. I am sharing here to let you enjoy the beauty of the song.

Enjoy but don't be sad. It's only a song.

Xoxo.

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More Than Blue

I have recently rewatched this movie for the second time and I still think it is wonderful.

The story was about a pair of orphans Kang Chul (played by Kwon Sang Won) and Eun woo  (played by Lee Bo Young) who lived together and loved each other but never took the chance to confess their feelings for each other.

Although they lived in the same house and worked at the same company, Eun Woo was oblivious to the fact that Kang Chul was suffering from Cancer in terminal Stage. Kang Chul hide it so well from her until she discovered it accidentally after taking his painkiller pills which he described as pill to make him smart. All because she was unable to write a sentence on lyrics she was working on.

Even so, Eun Woo didn't confront him about the fact. She only asked calmly if he had a wish. Kang Chul told her he wanted her to find a good man and  get married with the  man and that was the basis of how the whole story played out.

Eun Woon picked a man, Kang Chul  made all the necessary background check up and made sure the fiancee ditched the man and off he offered Eun Woo to the man, walking on the aisle. 

But a month later Kang Chul died, followed by Eun Woo. How she died was not told, only a voice over from her tape recorder telling Kang Chul not to get angry if he saw her on the other side because she was going to him.

I really like the chemistry of all the actors and  how the story played out. It really touched my heart. Isn't it true that sometimes we love but not able to say it out loud?

Check this out. It's really nice. One of my favourite k-movies.

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Resting, Relaxing. Home Sweet Home (4)

Everything was unplanned the last few days. I tried to get more in touch with my inner self. I mean every little thing. As little as getting up and going somewhere. Hehe. That's not practically good. Right? Is it?

Because two weeks ago I had spent a long time at kampung, the excitement to be there during the Malaysia Day holiday wasn't that much. But. . .of course I went back anyway, because I seemed to be non-functioning here alone in this house.

I am not sure how best to describe my situation then. I wasn't unhappy or sad. I was just unable to be on my stable state. You know like a normal person should be. Its all because hubby went back to his place. Hmmm. . .I guess it's not right to be married and be on your own most of the time.

I love Haruki Murakami but even his book that I has just purchased and tried to read couldn't contain my feelings. Sleeping didn't work either. What passed my thought was the 'what if' I just ride the car and drive aimlessly anywhere until I feel at rest.

Yes. That must be it. I am going forward aimlessly because I am not sure what my heart should feel.

However it didn't mean I didn't enjoy my one night at kampung. I was actually relieved to see mum. I was worried she was having a hard time mourning the loss of Chiko. Thankfully she seemed relaxed. She even had on the knitted hat I knitted for her. She was happy and that made me happy a little. Apparently, to be happy isn't just about looking for things to occupy yourself with but also by making other people happy.

Anyway I am done with my rambling for the day. *smile.
Happy Malaysia Day! 

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Out of Place

I think I should balik kampung more often. It helps to balance me out as a person. I have this thought that, no matter how much time you saw it in the movie of how humbling it is to be among the people in the village, it's never the same as experiencing it first hand and many times over. 

I am not done with my holiday experience yet. I know I have wrote some. It just that ideas keep flowing out. This time it's about the feeling of coming to terms with real identity.

You are what you are constantly exposed to. I think it's true for anyone regardless of age and creed. It doesn't matter if you grow up in the village and later make a living in the city or vice versa. After a while you will wander from your true self. 

What I really mean by true self is someone who is not defined by his appearance, his job or the worldly materials he possessed. Someone who can look at the mirror naked and see what he/she has as a person; the character that defines him/her. 

I agree looks matter but character makes us interesting. However,  character cannot be faked by having things, worldly things. It definitely comes from 'inside'. It is the complex make up of both heavenly and worldly attributes. 

When I went back kampung on my last holiday I totally forgot about work. I didn't even think twice about my mismatched shirt and short. Interestingly, It happened that, in one of those unwinding days, I sat down on the staircase and took a look at my finely pedicured nails. It crossed my mind then of how strangely, I felt. I honestly felt the art on my nails were out of place. Not really me. I thought to myself " I have come this far of not knowing if painting these nails are important or not to me as a person". 

I overhead a caller commenting on the radio about The parody of Gangnam Style song. The caller said it was actually to serve as a sarcastic remark to the people in Gangnam area who has become very materialistic. If what he said was true, the question is " Are we going on that direction? Uri, saram?"

I love beautifying myself. It won't change. But more than that, I would really love to look like me. Not because someone said this and that should be my style but because I love looking at myself in front of the mirror and see the reflection of me. The true me. 

It doesn't matter even if I only have one piece of clothing and a pair of shoes. I think I can live just being me, naked or clothed.

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Three Words

Three words

I love you
It changes everything

Three words

I hate you
It changes everything

Three words

I am sorry
It changes everything

Three words

I forgive you
It changes everything

Three words

I believe you
It changes everything

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Say it

The best way is to confess. It doesn't make things be the way you want it to be. It doesn't right the wrong. It won't bring back the loss time and opportunity. It doesn't settle the matters of the heart. It doesn't cure the heartbreak. It doesn't fill the emptiness. It doesn't turn back time.

As a matter of fact, it only relives the moment again and again. However, when your heart is still laden  with strings of unspoken things, you must unburden it.

You must not care the 'what if'. Deal with it later. Just write it down. Just speak it up. Just turn the unspoken words to something you can reflect upon. Just do something about it. You can't let it burden you like that. You will die and become an unhappy spirit for not speaking up what you mean and not doing what you want. 

Life cannot be put on hold. It ebbs away in the blink of an eye. But the matter of the heart won't change with time. The meaning stays no matter how long you keep it inside.

Say it.

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Home Sweet Home(III)

If I could capture moments with words those memorable time I spent on my last trip back to kampung, these would be it; 

1) I bought  a cake for the kids and I remember how excited they were blowing out the candles, one for each. It wasn't exactly their birthday, but kids don't remember that kind of thing. They only remember you celebrated it. 

2) Our Japanese Spitz dog we fondly called Chiko, tailed my mother everywhere. I mean she was damn cute. A few steps ahead, paused, looked back at mother to check if she  still followed her and walked again and paused again. . .on and on until they safely reached home. My mom is the alpha at home and Chiko is just following the lead literally everywhere.. *smiling sweetly 

3) My father and hubby had this bonding time I could only stare and smile. I was a happy daughter and wife ;) 

4) I took time to look at the kid's homework and made sure they did well. This rare chance to be a part of their learning process left me with yearning to have more chances to be there for them. 

5) I soaked and hand-washed the kid's uniforms. Something I never did since primary school. 

6) I did most of the cooking and the house chores. That was something. I always turned  into a lazy bum every time I was at kampung, relying on my parents to pamper me like a really spoilt child. Not this time. I changed for good. *nodding head..(hopefully it last)

I had a memorable time.

* My brother just called up this afternoon to inform me that Chiko has tragically died and mom is having a hard time mourning the loss of our/her faithful companion.  **SOB SOB SOB

Two Things

Two things; 

1) If you are unable to make an immediate decision or confused, take your time. You don't need to rush into making a decision you might going to regret later. 

2) If you have been in a confused state for a long while and the situation seems to depress you, make a decision right away. Maybe you have to pick between the bad and the worst, either-way try to concentrate only on living heart-fully and gratefully. 

You see no matter what the circumstances are, the only person that can make things right for you is you. Channel your thoughts towards positive things.

Two things:

1) Don't play victim and make everyone around you feel uneasy and burdened. Stop crying and get busy. A hobby will do. A pet will comfort you. 

2) Don't channel your frustration to innocence people. They are not your punching bag. 

You see, other people don't share the same position or opinion with you. Even if they do, you don't have to flock together and start the hatred growing. You should never become a catalyst for bad things.

Two things;

1) If you feel unhappy, don't allow it to destroy other things in your life. 

2) If you can't help but making the unhappiness obvious, spare sometime to reflect on your life on daily basis. Don't continue living each day in the same manner. It will soon become a habit. 

You see, becoming happy can be acquired by looking for things that will make you happy. A door is opened only  if you open it and if you knock it.

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It's Okay

'It's Okay.'" He said but I know he doesn't mean it. He is the voice in my head. Many times a day I come back to the same place, same event, same conversation and everything replays the same way. He says it the same way, flat tone without a twist, devoid of emotion.

His expression reveals nothing, his eyes as cold as ice. I don't know what he thinks or what he means when he says 'It's okay.'" I can only intuitively understand that he doesn't mean what he says. 

He said it when I did something wrong but I had no idea if I had upset him. When I couldn't pick up the phone and there were 14 misscalls, I called back, said sorry and he said 'it's okay" and yet it felt like I was too late. 

Beneath that cold exterior is a man in his own world. He is okaying everything and yet leaving everything . I am throwing punches to the wind. To the ambiguous character I could not decipher no matter how hard I tried. 

To be what kind of person I should be . .  . .is not the question. My sincerity could not win him as a woman, as a friend, as an enemy, as an acquaintance?. He run to the south, to the east to the north everywhere but next to me. Even in close proximity he is million miles away. He is gone. What left standing is a memory buried improperly. He is a living dead I have no way to reach out or to leave. 

Even so, love is untamed force. Trampled, crumpled, ruined, broken, pained, hurt and yet 'it's okay.'" 

2004 - 2005

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I Dream Away

I too have a dream of traveling around the globe. It could be tiring, it could be consuming time and efforts but in the end it could satisfy my curiosity of the world. 

There was a story told by Haruki Murakami in one of his books entitled After Dark. It was a story about three brothers who washed up on an island in Hawaii. The story goes something like this, in his own words.

Three brothers went out fishing and got caught in a storm. They drifted on the ocean for a long time until they washed up on the shore of an uninhabitated island. It was a beautiful island with coconuts growing there and tons of fruits on the trees, and a big high mountain in the middle. The night they got there a God appeared in their dreams and said, 'A little farther away down the shore, you will find three big round boulders. I want each of you to push his boulder as far as he likes. The place you stop pushing your boulder is where you will live. The higher you go, the more of the world you will be able to see from your home. It's entirely up to you how far you want to push your boulder'"

So the three brothers found three boulders on the shore just as the God had said they would. And they started pushing them along as the God told them to. The youngest brother quits first. He said, 'Brothers, this place is good enough for me. It's close to the shore and I can catch fish. It has everything I need to go on living. I don't mind if I can't see that much of the world from here. '

His two elder brothers pressed on, but when they were midway up the mountain, the second brother quit. He said, 'Brother, this place is good enough for me. There is plenty of fruit here. It has everything I need to go on living. I don't mind if I can't see that much of the world from here.'

The eldest brother continued walking up the mountain. The trail grew increasingly narrow and steep, but he didn't quit. He had great powers of preserverance, and he wanted to see as much of the world as possibly could, so he kept rolling the boulder with all his might. He went on for months, hardly eating or drinking, until he had rolled the boulder to the very peak of the high mountain. There he stopped and surveyed the world. Now he could see more of the world than anyone. This was the place he would live - where no grass grew, where no birds flew. For water he could only lick the ice and frost. For food, he could only gnaw on moss. But he had no regrets, because now he could look out over the whole world. 

The author concluded that the moral of the story is that if you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price and another one is that people are all different. 

I want to see the whole world. What is the price that I have to pay? What kind of people I am?

I am a dreamer and I am dreaming away of the possibility of how far I can go to see this whole world.

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Come to Think of It.

I think I can live like this. Wake up at wee hours , have my breakfast and morning shower and proceeds to write from 6.30am - 10.00am. After that I shall continue knitting whatever project I have started from 10.00 am to 12.00pm. After lunch, I 'll take a break for an hour by napping and start reading a book from 2.00pm to 4.00pm then I'll throw the garbage out and off for some afternoon exercise. At 7.00pm I'll have my dinner, watch an episode of drama which will take about an hour and then hit the bed an hour before bed time to rest awhile by writing down the journey of the day in my journal. Wow. Really time isn't that long enough in a day to do much.
Is this a life?

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What Am I Good At?

If people were  to ask me what am I good at, most probably I am going to tell them, "I am good at reading books"*giggling. I know it's not much of a specialty . Everybody can read books and I am sure there are millons out there who love books and read more than I can ever accomplish in my lifetime. But since there isn't much about myself to be considered special, I am simply going to say what I think about myself.

All of my brothers, five of them share almost the same hobby. They love cars and coincidentally are sort of good at it (psstt..I don't understand man obsession for cars).  The only exclusion is my fourth brother who loves IT whereas I on the other hand love reading book.

It is my first love if I have to put it that way. I know it that much because one of my earliest and vivid memories included a heartbreaking moment when my mother promised to take me to the library when I was around 5 or 6 year old. Sadly it didn't happen. I cried buckets of tears and vengefully determined to make up for the lost time by reading voraciously in my adulthood. *LOL. Well, I guess anyone who was starved of something will definitely develop an insatiable appetite for the things they have been deprived of. Right?

I think I have talked about books alot.  Twice? Thrice. . .? *wink. But hey, I can't stop confessing my love to you. It's hard to hide an obsession. I AM SORRY! 

By the way,  thinking of what I have just mentioned. What good does it do to love reading books? 

I had an experience when the knowledge from a book saved my day. I am not a born leader but there are times I have to step up the plate and be the problem solver of many conflicts between co-workers. It's a role I have to shoulder being the the Head Unit.  There was one time I had to settle a very heated argument between two ladies that forced me to think hard in order to save the day. Both were priced staff in their own respective fields. In that kind of situation I can be clueless if not for the availability of wisdom I had been able to recollect and withdraw from much reading.

Secondly my husband isn't much of a talker. In order to draw him out I have to continuously search for an interesting topic that we can discuss about . If you have been married for sometime you will understand what I mean by not having anything to talk about. 

Thirdly, if you work long enough at the same place with the same people, sooner or later you will run out of topic to talk about and you are going to start gossiping like bored people always do. So I find it helpful to have some readings from books to share with people as a way to distract myself from gossiping. 

Fourthly, it keeps me occupied in a good way. If you spend much of your time on your own, reading book is probably one of the best ways to know that the world is revolving round and round and however much you know now, there are still more that you don't know about. 

In short, books Keep me SANE. It helps me to deal with people  wisely and it keeps my marriage WORKING. If not for books I wonder what would be the world I live in inside this head of mine? 

As a conclusion I think being good at reading is a great blessing despite it being  very common. So common indeed that I can always relate to you and vice versa. Right? 

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Saving the Planet Earth.

This is not earth hour in case you think I am promoting it. But of course it has something to do with it. I just wanted to share a few tricks to save energy. These are the few little things I practiced at home to conserve energy. I am sure we hear it often on the radio how the DJ rant about lack of water and energy resources globally so we must strictly try to conserve whatever resources we still have or else we gonna end up trying to build "dam" that forced natives to relocate to some areas leaving their much loved lands that bear so much of memories. 

Now lets get down to business.

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Passion

My father is a 62 year old man and he is busy constructing a bridge by himself. My mom is a 60 year old woman and she just finished attending night classes for English Language Courses.  She is now continuing her driving lesson. So it seems passion does not extinguished with age. My parents are my closest inspiration when it comes to pursuing a passion in whatever stage of life.

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