What am I up to? I am being sneaky. First of all, this whole thing about writing up a minute really gets into my nerves. Not that I hate it. Part of me rejoiced with the fact that I can write down something. What I hate is strictly personal. It gets to me every time. I was so jumpy I am likely going to have attention and memory dsyfunction soon. I have changed from this wide-eyed order me anything kind of girl to someone eye-shuts, mind spacing out kind of girl. It was so obvious I don't think they didn't notice.
Sometimes I think its gonna take me forever to finish just one sentence and then when I did finish the whole thing it was not enough or should I say never good enough. I rewrote and proofread and do it round and round painstakingly so many times that my head just wanted to explode from overwhelming corrections. But in the end it was still not good enough.
What can I say? Maybe I am simply not born to become a minute writer. It is too formal with lack of absurdity which is the only thing I am capable of doing. I jumbled up words that confused people. It was either too much or too short. Never right.
While I am saying this, the minute I have to prepare is glaring at me on the computer screen. I wish my heart isn't screaming in annoyance so that I can get it done fast. I am taking my time because the whole meeting was a chaos I am scared I will be burned up by the heat of the argument once again. Now, that is what you call boring people trying to have fun and you think only children fight over trivial matters.
I am complaining. Yes. It is not going to get me anywhere. Yes. I need peace. Come come and get me. I am hungry for calm and serenity.
You know what John Eldredge said ? (from what I think I remembered) He said being nice and polite about everything isn't necessarily a good thing. It lacks drive. Meaning to say if you don't have a passion for anything and just go through life being nice and polite, you are dead. So how did this thing related to my problem? I am angry but its because I am passionate about writing. Right?
Until two weeks ago, my bestfriend whom I love so damn much was the library. Right now we are kind of separated. I have not fall out of love but I figured going to the library cost me more than the parking fee. Not most of the time, but normally when I step out of the library my inclination for window shopping gets the best of me. There I was happily strutting out after picking new books to wallow in and a silly idea to just innocently feed my eyes with new things on the shelves and i was a goner. Me and my big appetite. The next thing I knew, I was broke. A library at the supermarket is really a bad idea.
However I am just spacing out for a little while. I need sometime to break my habits. I have to unlearn this maniac needs to browse through nice, cutesy things *sigh. I am not sure if I have done well considering the fact that because I leave the library I am now going out steadily for two weeks with the bookstore. Not a good combination. Again, I am broke.
What can I do. Book is an addiction. I don't understand why can't I get away from it. So now, I am thinking should I get back together with my first love the library and at the same time have an affair with the bookstore. The thing is the bookstore got things I yearn for while the library is only able to feed me the necessity to get by.
I have a complicated relationship with facebook. I am not sure how to put it in the right words. Just say, I have kind of grow to not really like it. Why so?
At first it was great to see again the faces of all the long lost friends but the excitement quickly diminished with time. It was exhausting just to keep up with everybody. Not that they wanted me to. But it felt like I needed to since they were there gracing the updated status news every second of the day and you know how powerful the facebook WERE.
The worst part for me was not the news. It was the jealousy. Jealousy always gets the best of me. I don't really know that wicked part existed in me until I came face to face with those things that really made me want to fall apart because of jealousy. Isn't that terrible to be jealous of people? I sound pathethic don't you think so? It's a shame to actually admit that. But its a fact, a real fact. You can't meet perfect people and not get annoyed by their perfection because it shows how much lacking you are and I really don't like that kind of feeling. It made me hate myself for being who I am which is totally irrational. How can I hate myself? And how can I hate perfect people or be jealous of their perfect lives?
In short, that was my main reason not to get engaged with the social network site the way I used to.
It's funny though because in a way it showed how unfriendly I was. But if you were me, would you rather have yourself be on the site and eaten up alive by your bad conscience or like me abandon it for good and start anew?
Do I not miss my friends? According to Malcolm Gladwell in his book entitled The Tipping Point, if we really were asked to list down the number of people we think we care about, the max would not get pass 12 people or so. The tipping point is 12 and after that it will only be someone you don't really quite care that much. He also implied that the number of people who can function well in one unit is only up to 150 people. That is the tipping point. Considering the fact that he presented was right, without arguing whether its true or not for your case, just how many friends you think you have added in your friend's list?
Back to the question above. I do miss my friends. But I have made up my mind to be much friendlier with those who really EXIST there in my day to day living as in you can see them in person than those who only exist virtually. You can't really do much with those who have moved on with their lives and have a different life than what you are living now. Can you?
However I am not saying that I don't have or hate facebook. Of course I do and I still think its a great platform to communicate with people or even strangers. It just that this time around I have a different goal.
Whatever it is I know this time, jealousy the big no no word will never ever gonna get the best of me. Yep. It won't.
Did I tell you about my feeling of loneliness? I did didnt I? I am sure I did because I feel guilty sharing about it for a long time that I tried very hard not to share too much of my thoughts lately.
Today however, it feels as if even the heaven is open for me to talk about things I don't normally share in my serene state. Maybe it has something to do with Haruki Murakami influence in his book that I just finished reading entitled Sputnik Sweetheart.
Let me share his piece of mind.
" Why do people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the Earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?"
He spoke exactly what I thought of.
I have an issue getting close to people but I don't really have the words to express it. If I can use a metaphor it would be like me standing at the seashore waiting for the waves to crash on my feet. But the waves even though it is always there crashing against the beach, it doesn't always come to my feet. Sometimes I have to come closer to let it come and sometimes I need to runaway a little far from it so it won't carry me away and possibly drown me. That kind of relationship. That kind of distance.
It sure makes me feel very lonely though.
Have I never found a soulmate? I think I did and because I did it made the loneliness much more greater. The thing is I couldnt possibly shelves my feelings because there is nothing to replace it.
If I could find just one soul to really feel close with, I think it would suffice. I will ask for no more.
This is a song that I recently listened and addicted to. A song that makes me stop whatever I am doing at the moment to listen to its beautiful music and lyrics. It makes me teary with happiness overflowing. The kind of song that lifted up your spirit just because someone told you that he won 't give up on you. Its wonderful. Beautiful. Heart warming. Thank you Jason Mraz.
Now I would like to dedicate this song to you too. Those who drop by and visit this site of mine. Take care there fellow bloggers. ;)
Everytime I feel bad or sad, I struggled whether I should put it into writing or not here in this blog of mine. Since I decided a long time ago to put the title as Count Your Blessings, writing a piece that can only be concluded as sad seems out of topic until recently I reread my favourite book The University of Hardknocks by Ralph Parlette.
In short the author summarized thatif burden was lifted from a person. The person will soon become wrecked.
A burden it seems is not there for you to despise or to hate but to appreciate because only when you are bumped with unfortunate situations that you will learn.
It is something to applause and to be happy about. Of course not necessarily something to share about, not to the depth of your grief personally if you can hold yourself not to. But for some people like me who gather her thoughts by writing it down, it simply a must. It's still up to me though to share it with others or to keep it personal.
There were times when I wanted to only share my positive thoughts with others so that people will have nice balanced positive thoughts to mull over in their heads. But then again, more than trying to give that positive state of mind, I would love to share my experience in life. The good, the bad and anything in between. You know I am not much of an angel nor a devil. I am a human who happens to inherit the bad side of Eve who loves the unknown but promising and in the course of doing so bumped into so many unfortunate situations.
I decided then that If I happen to want to share the bad things happened then so be it. I cant' hurt people by being me can I? As some people said, be good, be bad. Just be. . You are not confusing people that way. You are just opening up to the world. No frills.
Rather than feeling anxious of being labeled as someone who don't walk the talk, I am just going to be happy that I have the freedom to share my piece of mind regardless of the contents or to whom it might bless or offend.
As Paulo Coelho said, you can't please everyone. If everybody loves you, you are not being true to yourself or something is wrong.
I have discovered recently that getting organized is all about how you start your day.
A few months ago I decided to start my day an hour earlier than my previous waking hour which was at 6.00 am. I was then, inspired by a quote wrote in a book entitled Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. He is such a fine author to say the least.
It goes something like this (not the exact words. I am writing much of what I remembered)
" Nobody will not become rich if they wake up early in the morning to tend their farm for 365 days a year".
It literary means that you have to work hard for 365 days without fail. I found the quote very much intriguing. So I decided to apply it just a little bit in my waking hour and found out it actually helped me more than just being up early.
As a result:-
1) I have time to cook and have my breakfast and also I have time to prepare my lunch meal to bring in to the office. Therefore I don't have to worry going out for lunch and have time to take a rest or nap during rest time which is lunch time. In a way it changed my eating habits as well as my spending habits.
2) I can do my laundry
3) I can take time to do grooming and make up.
4) I can pick my working clothes carefully and also iron it accordingly.
5) I arrived at the office so much earlier than usual that I can read a book at least for half an hour.
Also upon reflecting I realized a few things as a result of this new habits :
1) I do care about how I look and I try my best to represent who I am and how I feel inside by the way I dress up. It has always been a challenge to me in the past to keep up with an image. But now I try not to worry about an image. I neither want to impress. In my mind I just want people to look at me and feel "happy". Anyway I rather call it feel "blessed". Someone used to say to me that your appearance will bless others too. So you better not looks scruffy or disheveled because imagine what people might think of your state of mind. Right?
2) It started with a goal to organize a morning but actually it changes my whole lifestyle in every area of my life.
3) My mind is clear because I don't have to be cluttered by the thought that I need to rush in the morning. Rushing is always a bad idea to start your day.
In a nutshell you can now begin counting more blessings to come.
I miss talking to someone. Not anyone in particular, just a stranger. If i were to imagine a scenario it would be. . .something like I was sitting next to a stranger without a face..and with that we comfortably chit chat the night away without actually talking whatever matter most, just a story of here and there..things like that.
I feel a little bit restless today. There are many thoughts running through my head. Some bad things and a few good things which of course if you analyzed what I have just said I am putting much weight on the bad things and little or no attention to the good things.
Perhaps I just had a bad day today so my thoughts couldnt function kindly and my body was responding badly as well. The adrenaline keeps flowing out and therefore stopped me from feeling at rest.
You see I really wanted to feel at ease right now. I wanted to sleep but I can' t.
I try to find some comfort by thinking of home but home reminded me of other unsettled matters and so are other things. Have you ever thought that way of either being burdened by everything or being a burden to everyone? Its like if possible you should just live in a cave away from society or people? Have you ever felt that way?
Its because I am not thinking right, at this particular moment, right?
Stranger, my reader,
I am just going to be honest with how I feel right now. I feel mostly upset but also I am angry. Angry in the sense that because I wanted to live so badly I couldn't just accept things the way it is, I have to think of way that least dissappoint me.
I don't feel helpless, but I really want to believe in friend, companion, stranger and society because right now I have lost trust in people, friend what more society.
In three days I have learned alot. Its surprising how much you can learn in three days. Probably equal to a year of actually learning if you dont have the opportunity to learn in any other ways.
In three days I learned, if you are not humble you will stay where you are.
That random wise people can change your mind in seconds.
I have learned that with different people you will receive different type of energy.
That it is much better to be with those who stop you from further going down a dark road.
I learned things can be made simple or easier. It is you who can choose to try it out now or never.
I learned there is more to me and there are so much more that I can offer than I ever thought of.
I learned that I can do all things through him who strengthened me.
God's Handwriting He writes in characters too grand For our short sight to understand; We catch but broken strokes, and try To fathom all the mystery Of withered hopes, of death, of life, The endless war, the useless strife, But there, with larger, clearer sight, We shall see this - His way was right.
Three weeks after the wind ceased to blow, the sea lion had a dream. Now, as I told you before, there were other nights in which he had dreamed of the sea. But those were long ago and nearly forgotten. Even still, the ocean that filled his dreams this night was so beautiful and clear, so vast and deep, it was as if he were seeing it for the very first time. The sunlight glittered on its surface, and as he dived, the waters all around him shone like an emerald. If he swam quite deep, it turned to jade, cool and dark and mysterious. But he was never frightened, not at all. For I must tell you that in all his dreams of the sea, he had never before found himself in the company of other sea lions. This night there were many, round about him, diving and turning, spinning and twirling. They were playing.
Oh, how he hated to wake from that wonderful dream. The tears running down his face were the first wet thing he had felt in three weeks. But he did not pause even to wipe them away, he did not pause, in fact, for anything at all. He set his face to the east, and he began to walk as best a sea lion can.
It was in May that the winds began to blow. The sea lion had grown used to wind, and at first he did not pay much heed at all. Years of desert life had taught him to turn his back in the direction from which the wind came and cover his eyes with his flippers, so that the dust would not get in. Eventually the winds would always pass.
But not this time. Day and night it came, howling across the barren lands. There was nothing to stop its fury, nothing to even slow it down. For forty days and forty nights the wind blew. And then, just as suddenly as it had begun, it stopped. The sea lion lifted himself to have a look around. He could hardly believe his eyes.
Every single leaf had been stripped from his tree. The branches that remained, with only a twig or two upon them, looked like an old scarecrow. And I do not need to tell you that there was no longer any shade in which to hide. But worse than this, much worse indeed, was what the sea lion saw next. The water hole was completely dry.
The sea lion was not entirely alone in those parts. For it was there he met the tortoise. Now this tortoise was an ancient creature, so weathered by his life in the barren lands that at first, the sea lion mistook him for a rock. He told the tortoise of his plight, hoping that this wise one might be able to help him. "perhaps" the tortoise mused, "this is the sea." His eyes appeared to be shut against the bright sun, but he was watching the sea lion very closely. The sea lion swept his flippers once against his side, gliding to the end of the water hole and back. "I don't know," he said. " It isn't very deep." "Isn't it?" " Somehow, I thought the sea would be broader, deeper. At least, I hoped so."
"You must learn to be happy here, " the tortoise told him one day. " For it is unlikely you shall ever find this sea of yours." Deep in his old and shriveled heart, the tortoise envied the sea lion and his sea. "But I belong to the sea. We are made for each other." "Perhaps. But you have been gone long now, the sea has probably foegotten you," This thought had never occurred to the sea lion. But it was true, He had been gone for a long, long time. "If this is not my home, how can I ever feel at home here?" the sea lion asked. "You will, in time." The tortoise appeared to be squinting, his eyes a thin slit. "I have seen the sea, and it is no better than what you have found here." "You have seen the sea!" " Yes. Come closer," whispered the tortoise, "and I will tell you a secret. I am not a tortoise, I am a sea turtle. But I left the sea of my own accord, many years ago, in search of better things. If you stay with me, I will tell you stories of my adventures."
The stories of the ancient tortoise were enchanting and soon cast their spell upon the sea lion. As weeks passed into months, his memory of the sea faded. "The desert," whispered the tortoise, "Is all that is, or was, or ever will be." When the sun grew fierce and burned his skin, the sea lion would hide in the shade of the tree, listening to the tales woven by the tortoise. When the dry winds cracked his flippers and filled his eyes with dust, the sea lion would retreat to the water hole. And so the sea lion remained, living his days between water hole and tree. The sea no longer filled his dreams.
My comments
**********
I wish I won't end up like the sea lion. Living in between.
At first I thought writing is
difficult and transpiring my heart and soul into words require certain degree
of skills and much grasp of words with wide choices and usage of vocabulary.
However, lately I have been reading a lot of books from different kind of
authors namely Andrea Levy, LD Landsland, Margaret Drabble and Kim Erchlin and
I found out that each one of them have different styles and different ways of
expressing themselves through words. They don’t have a fixed style of writing
or what can be considered as a blue print of a good writing. It gives me much
relieve and in a way it was liberating because now I can focus on choosing my
own way to express myself the best way possible without being misunderstood (if
possible).
If you were to ask me who was the
writer that I found most influencing, my answer would be Paulo Coelho. He can
be direct and mysterious depending on how he wanted the subject to be felt by
readers. I found his directness very spot on. You can understand it as if you
were living it word per word and just like that you become the subject that he
was talking about. Having read a good book and a book that becomes you is
something different because a book that becomes you is what everyone is looking
for since whatever we read we understand it much because it is a reflection of
our own soul. It is us expressed in words that sometimes can only find its way
out after we found it spelled right in front of our eyes.
I used to tell myself and friends
including hubby that if I could prescribe book as a medicine, I would carefully
choose for each patient who needs treatment, a book that specifically tackle
their problems. It is because sometimes when problems weigh us down, what we
need the most is a solution that we never thought of unless we find a good book
that can point us to the right direction. That itself will cure a patient.
Of all the careers in the world I
must say I envy writers the most. If there is one thing that stood the test of
time, that would be a book. A book you have written will be passed from
generation to generation and at some point it can be made as a reference to the
youngsters. The most important of all is that a book will carry all the wisdom
you gather in your lifetime to be readily transferred to those who have time to
immerse and learn from it.
With this knowledge, I harbor the
thoughts of keeping on writing pieces after pieces until one day perhaps I can
find the right pieces to be presented as a whole as a book. If not for the
purpose of publishing at least it would reach my goal to put my mind into a
mini book for my own keeping.
I realized that much of the good
writer spends a lot of their time in researching about their subject before
putting it into words and presented it in a book. It can be from months to
years before the subject can be fully explored and materialized into a book.
I really would love to have the
knack for writing but I also believe like everything else in this world, if we
try hard enough and practice incessantly, writing can also become a second
nature.
In other words, I would love to
toy with the idea of one day becoming an excellent writer and that thought
alone gives me something to look forward to in the future. You know like having
goals and wants. It is like counting your blessings to come??
What about you? What do you
aspire to be in the future apart from having a job to make a living?
Of course like you I have many
and I have not forgotten any of it. Let us keep on working for it. One by one,
let us make it happen. Okay??
I attended a motivational talk about two weeks ago. One of the topic being discussed was about "our worth". The speaker talked about how when we get older and at the lowest point of our life we tend to be selfish and tried to get rid the troubles of life by committing the unforgivable "suicide". We forgot that once we were and always be our parents princes and princesses. We overlooked the fact that although they are old and no longer have that much going on in their lives for us, they still place us the most valuable thing on earth.
Our worth comes from God, not money
Being selfish is a sin. If we remember for just one moment that for some people we are irreplaceable we may never go down that road and commit the unforgivable act.
Your parents love you. My parents love me. You know sometimes I doubt that, maybe you too have felt that way sometime and I thought it didn't matter even if i am gone but often times I thought about how difficult it has been for them to try and try to conceive a baby girl until I finally arrived. To them I was a blessing because I was wanted from the beginning. I was showered with so much attention that they never even laid their hands on me. My parents love me that much and yet..insignificant things like those who didn't care about me hurt me so deeply and made me contemplate suicide.
That day when the speaker talked about how much our parents love us, the eye of my mind opened. I seek my parents for the last two weeks and I still can feel their love for me...that deep..
So how could I be so selfish and think that I am unworthy.
I am writing a piece not because it is work related even
though it is office hour but because I am moved to write at the moment. I know
it is probably unethical but sometimes I just want to rebel a little bit by
doing something that I want to do rather than doing something I have to do.
“ When you are busy doing something you have to do,
eventually you will forget what you want to do”
I am watching Scent of a Woman played by kim Su Nah. I
adored her in City Hall and in My Name Is Kim Sam Soon. Both dramas had been
proven to raise her up as an excellent actress. However, in my opinion she
didn’t do much in this new drama. She was middling at best. I wasn’t
sympathetic towards her and I found her character unappealing. I hated her over
the top acting. Moving away from her, thankfully Seo hyorim played her part well as an arrogant heir. I
even fell in love with her elegant style and her carefully curled front part of
hair. I am now in episode 8 and I am positive from here onwards nothing much
would change.
How do you feel about saving money while living frugally or
poorly?
When it comes to long term goal of saving money for
retirement and other big purchase in the future I think it is given that saving money is
a must. How if your days are numbered? You would have forgotten about long term
goal and focus on what will make you happy now. Isn’t? That was the essence of
the story in Scent of A Woman which I think is a very interesting question we
all can ask ourselves.
Lee Yeon Jae in the story made her bucket of list of what she wanted to do
before she died. She only had 6 months more to live due to gallbladder cancer.
It was spreading very fast and she didn’t expect herself to live long.
Therefore, she wrote all the things she wanted to accomplish within the period
she might still alive.
This story reminds me of another story I read. Veronica was
a character I found most intriguing in Veronica Decides To Die written by Paulo
Coelho. She was a young woman in her 20s but already decided to end her life by
taking overdose of sleeping pill. Her reason was she couldn’t live a
predictable routine life. She survived the attempt but admitted to a mental hospital. However in this story the
doctor in charge tricked her into believing that she would eventually died
because of heart failure due to the side effect of the sleeping pill she took.
The doctor gave her the kind of medicine that stops her heart for a while.
Veronica indeed got a deeper outlook of her life that she decided to live to
the fullest. She even managed to influence those people around her to live fully.
In the end the doctor proved his theory that man would incessantly try to live
to the fullest when they realize they are really going to die soon. Thus, cure
the problem of suicidal thought.
Lee Yeon Jae and Veronica perhaps faced the same problem albeit
for a different reason. Both tried to
live fully only after knowing their predicament. My question is; If you live at the moment, do you neglect being
frugal and spontaneously spend all your money to your heart desire?
It is true that we are probably not a cancer patient but we
too do not know when our final day would be. Our days are numbered too. Our
final day can be today or it can be tomorrow. Who knows?
Having that in mind what would you want to do if you know
exactly the time you are going to die? Will you prepare your bucket’s list?
Will you start eating what you want to eat, buy what you want to buy without
hesitation, learn the thing you always wanted, love more, smile more, forgive
more and live more?
I wanted a lot of things. But I could never do all of it if
I am a full time employee. I can’t have time to have a home in a vast land to
cultivate and plant vegetables, fruits and flowers I wanted. I can’t have time
to wake up early in the morning to watch the sunrise and play with the pets at
home. I can’t go to places I thought of visiting. I can’t embark
on other areas I found interesting. I can’t rest and give my full energy on the
things I wish to indulge at the moment. Those are the things I long for if only
there is no constraint.
Human basically have very simple needs. They just want to do
what they want to do and not what people expect them to do or what they have to
do to survive. I am as simple as that or maybe I am more complicated than
simple since I have a hard time to differentiate between what I need and what I
want. Aren’t we all like that? Are you?
In my dream I was in form 4F. I sat at the back. It seemed I
was late for class but regardless, my friends; all of my close friends in real
life were sitting in front of me. It seemed to that we had an exam and I once
again as if it happened before in that place, scored high despite maybe ranked
at second this time. Maybe.
In a different scene the school or the teacher in my
classroom was organizing a singing performance and it happened that she picked
people randomly. I was anxious but I was unusually, unafraid. But I couldn’t
really find the tune for the song that I wish to sing. Therefore, I went back
to my dorm, grabbed my exercise book not caring if people might saw my random writing inside it if I were to bring it out during my singing performance. I
then started to write the song out. As I sung, a memory started flooding
in. This time the memory was a real experience I had when I was in form two. It was a performance during a
motivational camp. I sang with my two closest mates. It was amazingly a recollection of an accurate memory of what had really happened. It wasn’t just the two
of us singing it. It was the three of us. In the last few years, I had
mistakenly remembered it as performed by only the two of us. I and H. Now, that
was something Isn’t ?
Again in a different scene, the friend I just had recalled
back came to my room. It was a room in my house. It was the old house. This
friend was sweating from cleaning up my room.
“Weren’t your turn already passed” I asked her.
“Yes, but it doesn’t matter. “ She said.
What a wonderful friend she was. She sweated for me. How can I
not acknowledge that?
This dream comes as a comfort. There were two monumental moments
there. One was; it reminds me the lonelinessI felt after I transferred to a different
school when I was in form 4. My dream righted the wrong by providing me a
scenario of what could have been if only I stayed back. I could have ended my
two years triumphantly with good, real friends whom I shared the same values.
It can’t be helped that perhaps despite scoring high, there will be a better
opponent who would dash my score.
Secondly; it reminds me of my friendship with two persons
whom I have taken for granted. It’s rather not surprising that these two were
the only people who remembered my birth day and sent a greeting on that day.
I could never replace what have taken place in the past but
I also could not take for granted those who have rooted for me in the past. Now
that I am living as if in a seclusion perhaps I shouldn’t try so much to avoid
my wonderful friends. No man is an island.
If you were to watch a Japanese drama series Hanazakari No
Kimitachi E you would be brought back to your high school memories. The story
was perhaps a little out of the norm because it featured a girl named Ayashi Mizuki who disguised as a
boy to enroll in all boy school. The reason was she wanted to make Sano Izumi a
boy who was a national high jump champion to jump again after tragically
injured while trying to help her. However the nice part of the story wasn’t
just about her goal and later their realization of love for each other. It was
more than a love story. It was about a friendship story whereby all the people
in the school matters and that friendship was the best memory you can bring
with you for the rest of your life until you turn old and gray.
That drama gave me that fuzzy, innocent feeling of a high
school student. Perhaps, it invoked so much of feelings that I started to
remember a lot of things in my high school years. I had amazing friends. And
then now, how could I know that things could turn out differently when we are older.
We become more selfish trying each day to accomplish our own goal and little by
little lost the pure connection we once had. I ask of you; Do you still have
someone in the past that you communicate regularly because you are still close
with them?
People change. I changed a lot. I can’t keep up with the now
and what more of yesterday. But then again, maybe I am just lost.
I have watched a movie entitled “I don’t know how she does
it” played by SJP (Sarah Jessica Parker). For some reason this movie gave me
an idea about a working woman. SJP as Kate in this movie was someone who had a
loving family and a high flying career. She was struggling to keep up with her
demanding roles as a career woman, a wife and a mother. Nonetheless, she
managed to be in an almost balanced state. Along the way she was tempted and seduced by
her co-worker, almost lost the trust of her young daughter and had less and
less quality time with her beloved husband. Even so, she tried hard enough to
acknowledge her needs for self-recognition in having a fulfilling career and a
loving family. She didn’t let an affair to ruin her life and opted to sacrifice
a little time to be with her children. She stated that no matter how demanding
her job was, she simply couldn’t quit a job she loved.
How does it feel like to not having to choose between a
family and a career? Is it really possible to scale the mountain and still have
your family by your side?
I once dreamed and I mean it is an ultimate dream that one
day when I have my own family I will be a homemaker. I would like to
participate in my children’s life especially in the first five years of their
life. I want to sacrifice my day and night having to totally nurse them myself.
I want to give them the affection I once missed as a child, and I want to
expose them to the values I highly regarded in my own life. I want to build a
balanced child who can give lights to the world because of his or her
upbringing. There is no way I want to have a child and have someone else give
them the values I don’t concede. I too want to be a wife who is totally into
her husband wellbeing. That was my “dream”.
And then reality sinks in and I am caught between having to
focus on something I wish for and something I already have and possibly could
work on more for the future. A longing stirs my soul to be someone perhaps like
SJP, working on a career I am truly capable of and raising a family I love. Is
that something possible?
A memory in childhood came back. It was late in the
afternoon when I squatted at the side of the road waiting for my ever
hardworking mother to come home. I waited for so long when my father came by riding
a bicycle and crushed my hopeful heart by telling me that mother wasn’t coming back
that day. He took me back home. That memory stays like a neon light to remind
me never ever to let my own child waits for me to come home.
Still in my selfish desire I wish to spend my youth breaking
my bone doing something for my own pleasure. Is it wrong to think that way? Of
wanting a little bit more of life outside home? Of becoming more than just a homemaker?
Will I then eventually becomes the woman who once left her child and never get
back her affection when she hopes to have it in her later life? What a pitiful
woman I would become then…
Its been one heck of a wonderful year here in my land of blessing. How was yours? I have been in and out of this blog for the last one year and wasn't sure if my inconsistent blogging had an impact to people on the net. Nevertheless, I am glad to be back this year. I hope it will bring me to a new height in every area of my life.
I have listed down my goals this year. I am following the norms of setting a goal at each wake of a new year. I didn't normally celebrate the end of the year but of course I am very much involve internally and spiritually.
There are so much of things that I am thankful for including a healthy self, a loving family and a husband who has been a continual support in my quest to be a good impact to the people around me.
My hope for this blog is; that I continue to produce readable articles and hopefully those that will create an awareness towards something important or for pure entertainment reason, I could supply review of those dramas and movies which I happen to watch in my leisure time. I wish too that I could make a regular review on books that I found interesting and I thought would be of some help to you as much as it has helped me.
I must say in books reading, last year has been a new breakthrough for me. I have gone to another level of appreciating fiction books and chanced upon several authors who stole my heart, namely Paulo Coelho, Anchee Min, Lisa See and Sophie Kinsella. I hope in this new year I would be honored to get to know several more authors by reading their masterpiece.
With that note, lets cheer on for a new chapter in 2012.
Excerpt from Staying in Love For A Lifetime by Ed Wheat
Love cannot grow in the same heart with negative attitudes and bad feelings. Concentrate on your attitudes not those of your partner. Two basic principles to be remembered are; first, you do not have to be controlled by your feelings and secondly you are not the helpless prisoner of your past. So, begin by realizing that you are in control of your behaviour. It is a proven fact that feelings change as behaviour changes. Make a choice to forgive your partner.
Forgiveness involves three steps;
Using your free will to make a choice to forgive
Deliberately behaving in the manner that the Lord has shown in the Bible to be right
Trusting Him to do His part by renewing your mind and giving you new, transformed attitudes.
STEP ONE: CHOOSING TO FORGIVE
"Make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed. Follow peace with all men, lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you and thereby many be defiles" (Heb 12:13-15)
You will indeed suffer by your own choice until you decide to fully and completely forgive any wrongs done to you.
STEP TWO: CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOUR
"Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."(Eph 4:31-32)
The essence of kind treatment of your partner is to treat him or her precisely as you want to be treated.
STEP THREE: RENEWING YOUR MIND
"This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth those things which are before... "(Phil 3:13)
Forgetting..reaching forth. This is the way to continue beyond the moment of forgiveness into the kingdom of love to live there for the rest of your life.
Excerpt from, Staying In Love For A Lifetime by Ed Wheat
The prescription involves a practical course of action for a husband and wife. It is called B-E-S-T.
Blessing Edifying Sharing Touching
1) Blessing.(Good words, kind actions, thankful appreciation & intercessory prayer for your partner)
The first way of blessing your marriage partner is to speak well of him or her, and to respond with good words even when your partner's speech become harsh, critical or insulting.
You bless by bestowing practical benefits upon; simply by doing kind things for another person.
You bless by showing thankfulness and appreciation.
You bless by calling God's favor down in prayer.
2) Edifying.
Referring to an expanded love expressed in positive ways that enlarges the self-worth of the beloved.
Three personal strands are interwoven: personal encouragement, inner strengthening and the establishment of peace and harmony between individuals.
Both husband and wife have a tremendous need for encouragement by word, by focused attention, by eye contact and by loving touch to keep them alive as growing, confident individuals.
3) Sharing
Sharing should touch all areas of life - your time, activities, interests and concerns, ideas and innermost thoughts, spiritual walk, family objectives and goals, etc.
Sharing demands giving yourself, listening to your partner, and as you live life together, developing a sensitive awareness of moments that offer possibilities for deepening the love between you.
4) Touching
A tender touch tells us that we are cared for. It can calm our fears, soothe pain, bring us comfort, or give us the blessed satisfaction of emotional security.
Physical contact is absolutely essential in building the emotion of love.
Excerpt from: Staying in love for a lifetime by Ed Wheat 1. The idea of male and female was God's idea - "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them" Gen 1:27
2. Marriage Was designed by God to meet the first problem of the human race: loneliness ~...And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof ; and the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. Gen 2: 18 - 22. Marriage always begins with a need that has been there from the dawn of time, a need for companionship and completion that God understands. Marriage was designed to relieve the fundamental loneliness that every human experiences.
3. Marriage was planned and decreed to bring happiness, not misery. - " And Adam said, this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man" (Gen 2:23). So, when the Lord brought the woman to Adam, the man expressed his feelings in words like these. "I have finally found the one who can complete me, who takes away my loneliness, who will be as dear to me as my own flesh. She is so beautiful! She is perfectly suited to me. She is all I will ever need!
4. Marriage must begin with a leaving of all other relationships in order to establish a permanent relationship between one man and one woman. ~ "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh" (Gen 2: 24). Understand that first of all, marriage begins with a leaving; leaving all other relationships. The man's full commitment is now to his wife. And the wife's full commitment is now to her husband. But a leaving must occur, for neither parents nor any other relationships should come between a husband and a wife. This means that you and your mate need to refocus your lives on each other rather than looking to another individual or group of people to meet your emotional needs.
5. Marriage requires an inseparable joining of husband and wife throughout their lifetime.- "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh" (Gen 2:24). There is no use leaving unless you are ready to spend a lifetime cleaving. Cleaving means "to cling or to adhere".The cleaving is also intellectual, emotional and physical. It means that you will have unceasing opportunity to cleave to your partner even in the smallest details of life. It involves two characteristics; an unswerving loyalty and an active, pursuing love that will not let go.
6. Marriage means oneness in the fullest possible sense, including intimate physical union without shame. - "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed" (Gen 2:24-25). Although it goes deeper than the physical, becoming one flesh involves intimate physical union in sexual intercourse. And this without shame between marriage partners. The biblical expression for sexual intercourse between husband and wife is to know, an expression of profound dignity. Thus, in the divine pattern of marriage, sexual intercourse between husband and wife includes both intimate physical knowledge and a tender, intimate, personal knowledge.So the leaving, cleaving and knowing each other results in a new identity in which two individuals merge into one - one in mind, heart, body and spirit.
When I saw you..standing tall with your hazel eyes, blonde tied hair, deep arrogant voice practically showing off your assets..I thought " damn..who was this man?"...and looked away. You asked my number from that counter lady..
This movie was picked without me researching the net nor after watching the trailer. The moment I saw the armor suit, I wanted to watch it.
In my opinion this movie;
1. Cinematography is marvelous. It is beyond beautiful.
2. Casts are perfect. I don't know the main lead except the beautiful Oracle but He is tall (He can pass as the reincarnate of King Solomon for his height).
3. The story is brilliant. It is unpredictable.
4. It has a lot of beautiful scene.
5. In short, please watch.
6. I am going to give it 5 stars because I loved it. The flaws are passable. huhu
7. Happy watching! :)
I watched this a few weeks ago and I would want to say;
1. I like Hugh Jackman and I still think he is a great actor. But having seen him in X-Men makes it hard for me not to compare his acting chop here and there. He did fine by the way, just that I think he is not so much in-sync with his "son- Max". To me, both were trying to step up their game and trying to get the most of their characters but unfortunately, it downplay their relationship as father and son. In what way? Well maybe the idea was for Max to be as stubborn as the dad but it came out "wrongly" because it gave me the "awkward" feeling as if ...well..it didn't feel sincere like a father- son relationship.
Today, I want to talk about my friends in the office. I am very much blessed with wonderful people in my life and that is including the people inside my office.
Mrs. C, is a mother of three. She is smart, effective and totally dedicated. Whatever job or task you ask of her to do, consider it is done. But she is also someone very fragile at heart. She is easily panic and that's why she never let any problem linger for a long time, she would promptly find a way to solve it. She is to me someone I can rely on in search of wisdom. Like a mother, she would give sound advice every time. I can pour my frustration to her because she understands. She is a jewel.
The house is as usual, empty. When he returned back today, I wondered again when will I be able to see him again. My biggest question is "WHEN will I be able to become a normal WIFE"?
It feels like I only had a wonderful dream. One that I wake up too early only to realize that the moments has passed.
1. We are here to learn a lesson, and the world is our teacher.
2. The universe has no favourites
3. Your life is a perfect reflection of your beliefs.
4. The moment you get too attached to things, people, money..you screw it up.
The good thing about having a husband is you have someone who is exclusively yours for the rest of your life, not that he is your belonging but that he does belong to you. My husband is away and I am having this happy thoughts about him. At the same time, thinking about our long history together, I walked down the path of both happy and sad memories of all the relationship I have had in my life. I wondered why some of my relationships never worked out and why this one relationship survived through much ordeal.
I think I now know the reason why. He does complete me. He acknowledged and see the real me. The worst thing a man can do to you is seeing you as an object of "pleasure" and as someone he always need to correct and protect. I don't mind man being manly and a man who loves shielding me from all the bad things in the world but I rather wanted to feel equally able to protect myself and that is what I get from him. He gives me my freedom to be selfishly me.
I believe when one is given the room and space to be absolutely herself and himself that person can make you much happier because he or she is positive about life and will rub off that positive aura on you. Both sides will benefit when both struggle alongside each other to become the best in the each of their area of expertise.
There is a saying that says something like this; You cannot love a bird with a small cage. No matter where the bird wants to fly to, in order for it to soar freely in your heart you have to become larger spiritually and completely let go but stay within an appropriate distance. That says a lot about how we must not cage our beloved. We must not allow any kind of selfishness to rule them and trap them within our own realm. But at the same time, we must not let them go away that they might fly farther not realizing they have fly away too far they are detached from you for eternity. You have to keep that love on fire. In what way?
Marriage is a hard work. Recently Kris and Kim Kardashian ended their 72 days marriage and although they did not state the reason why it ended it is clear that we do not want to end up divorced like them. Commitment is the key to stay in a marriage. I am unable to accept how some celebrities downplay commitment as if it is a piece of garment that can be discarded at will. If only they plan their commitment as detailed as their wedding ceremony I am sure nothing like that will happen.But, that is not for me to judge.
For all of us who wish only the best for each other, maybe it is not right to tell others what is right and what is wrong but it would be good to remind ourselves that a relationship ended not just because of one person's fault. There are two sides of a coin. It ended because you are "available" and you are "available" only if you have will your "emotion" to be free for temptation. It doesn't necessarily a temptation from a seemingly better guy but a single life that looks like much better than having someone by your side. But than again, who would want to stay married to a man who clearly mistakes you as a "servant" and not an equally able person. It all comes back to what type of marriage you have committed yourself to. I am sure everyone wants to live happily ever after with their prince or princess.
Have you watched this? I was half-away sleepy when I watched this. Kesian my dear hubby who chose this movie. I must say, to watch this movie one must really be very "passionate" about moon and aerospace to stay focus, because I didn't curse but I wish we stayed home and watched history channel instead of watching this movie. I'll give it 3 stars. ^_^
I have read something that goes like this; Reading is good because it allows you to absorb new ideas but writing is essential to actualize your thoughts. I agree with the statement. Sometimes you get new ideas from your reading but overtime if you never really put it into thoughts, you might lost the essence.
I miss writing. I have not been able to access my blog from my computer. It seems there is something going wrong with the applications I have uploaded or whatsoever that keeping me away from accessing my beloved blog. I thought I could never write here again. Thank God, I did manage to get in today.
I have so much of things to say including all the stuff I thought I could have shared with you if only my blog has been accessible to me.
The last command slowly finds its way to my receptive heart. Yesterday night was awesome but today is equally marvelous. The sermon Tony delivered is spot on and it couldn't be better than how it has been delivered.
While I have struggled all the while about communicating my feelings and how my world often turned topsy turvy everytime I starts talking, I find a renewed strength in me to keep on pressing on forward in spite of my lacking.
It is saturday when I write this down, six more minutes to Sunday. I just come back from a dinner in conjunction with the 10th year anniversary of a church my friend attended. I am by the way invited because there are two more seats available and my cousin chose to take me along with her.
The last couple of weeks has been a spiritual breakthrough for me and today is an unexceptional day as well. I think it shouldn't be a coincidence when just two days ago I went to the library and chanced upon a book written by an author who spoke on tonight's dinner. When I heard his name being called up, I thought it sounded familiar and although I did not particularly put interest in the book he has written I did remember him as the author of the book.
I am asking with a broad smile on my face. The reason is because I am "happy". Since I take the first step to reveal my weaknesses on this blog, things have been progressing very well. I think, it is true about knowing yourself and being objective as the key to progress in life.
I feel that everything I am going through up to today is whatever battle I need to overcome to be a "confident" me. I believe my realization of my weaknesses has helped me to see more reasons to stand up for myself.
With that note, I hope things are going well in your life too. What I mean by going well is not necessarily not having a problem but having problems that help to make you a better person
It is easy to say all the bad things under the pretense of being "sincere". I love the feeling of unburdening myself through words written down but I am afraid if it doesn't quite serves it purpose of building up or edifying others. Just then, I thought of calming myself down and found a comforting verse from Psalm 46:10 Be Still and Know that I am God.
