Removing The Barriers

Excerpt from Staying in Love For A Lifetime by Ed Wheat

Love cannot grow in the same heart with negative attitudes and bad feelings. Concentrate on your attitudes not those of your partner. Two basic principles to be remembered are; first, you do not have to be controlled by your feelings and secondly you are not the helpless prisoner of your past. So, begin by realizing that you are in control of your behaviour. It is a proven fact that feelings change as behaviour changes. Make a choice to forgive your partner.

Forgiveness involves three steps;

1. Using your free will to make a choice to forgive
2. Deliberately behaving in the manner that the Lord has shown in the Bible to be right
3. Trusting Him to do His part by renewing your mind and giving you new, transformed attitudes.

STEP ONE: CHOOSING TO FORGIVE

• "Make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed. Follow peace with all men, lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you and thereby many be defiles" (Heb 12:13-15)
• You will indeed suffer by your own choice until you decide to fully and completely forgive any wrongs done to you.

STEP TWO: CHANGING YOUR BEHAVIOUR

• "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."(Eph 4:31-32)
• The essence of kind treatment of your partner is to treat him or her precisely as you want to be treated.

STEP THREE: RENEWING YOUR MIND

• "This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth those things which are before... "(Phil 3:13)
• Forgetting..reaching forth. This is the way to continue beyond the moment of forgiveness into the kingdom of love to live there for the rest of your life.

Prescription For A Superb Marriage

Excerpt from, Staying In Love For A Lifetime by Ed Wheat

The prescription involves a practical course of action for a husband and wife. It is called B-E-S-T.

Blessing
Edifying
Sharing
Touching

1) Blessing.(Good words, kind actions, thankful appreciation & intercessory prayer for your partner)

• The first way of blessing your marriage partner is to speak well of him or her, and to respond with good words even when your partner's speech become harsh, critical or insulting.
• You bless by bestowing practical benefits upon; simply by doing kind things for another person.
• You bless by showing thankfulness and appreciation.
• You bless by calling God's favor down in prayer.

2) Edifying.

• Referring to an expanded love expressed in positive ways that enlarges the self-worth of the beloved.
• Three personal strands are interwoven: personal encouragement, inner strengthening and the establishment of peace and harmony between individuals.
• Both husband and wife have a tremendous need for encouragement by word, by focused attention, by eye contact and by loving touch to keep them alive as growing, confident individuals.

3) Sharing

• Sharing should touch all areas of life - your time, activities, interests and concerns, ideas and innermost thoughts, spiritual walk, family objectives and goals, etc.
• Sharing demands giving yourself, listening to your partner, and as you live life together, developing a sensitive awareness of moments that offer possibilities for deepening the love between you.

4) Touching

• A tender touch tells us that we are cared for. It can calm our fears, soothe pain, bring us comfort, or give us the blessed satisfaction of emotional security.
• Physical contact is absolutely essential in building the emotion of love.

The Genesis of Marriage

Excerpt from: Staying in love for a lifetime by Ed Wheat

1. The idea of male and female was God's idea - "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them" Gen 1:27

2. Marriage Was designed by God to meet the first problem of the human race: loneliness ~...And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof ; and the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. Gen 2: 18 - 22. Marriage always begins with a need that has been there from the dawn of time, a need for companionship and completion  that God understands. Marriage was designed to relieve the fundamental loneliness that every human experiences.

3. Marriage was planned and decreed to bring happiness, not misery. -  " And Adam said, this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man" (Gen 2:23).  So, when the Lord brought the woman to Adam, the man expressed his feelings in words like these. "I have finally found the one who can complete me, who takes away my loneliness, who will be as dear to me as my own flesh. She is so beautiful! She is perfectly suited to me. She is all I will ever need!  

4. Marriage must begin with a leaving of all other relationships in order to establish a permanent relationship between one man and one woman. ~ "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh" (Gen 2: 24). Understand that first of all, marriage begins with a leaving; leaving all other relationships. The man's full commitment is now to his wife. And the wife's full commitment is now to her husband. But a leaving must occur, for neither parents nor any other relationships should come between a husband and a wife. This means that you and your mate need to refocus your lives on each other rather than looking to another individual or group of people to meet your emotional needs.  

5. Marriage requires an inseparable joining of husband and wife throughout their lifetime.- "Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh" (Gen 2:24). There is no use leaving unless you are ready to spend a lifetime cleaving. Cleaving means "to cling or to adhere".The cleaving is also intellectual, emotional and physical. It means that you will have unceasing opportunity to cleave to your partner even in the smallest details of life. It involves two characteristics; an unswerving loyalty and an active, pursuing love that will not let go.

6. Marriage means oneness in the fullest possible sense, including intimate physical union without shame. - "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed" (Gen 2:24-25). Although it goes deeper than the physical, becoming one flesh involves intimate physical union in sexual intercourse. And this without shame between marriage partners. The biblical expression for sexual intercourse between husband and wife is to know, an expression of profound dignity. Thus, in the divine pattern of marriage, sexual intercourse between husband and wife includes both intimate physical knowledge and a tender, intimate, personal knowledge.So the leaving, cleaving and knowing each other results in a new identity in which two individuals merge into one - one in mind, heart, body and spirit.

Marriage is Hard Work

The good thing about having a husband is you have someone who is exclusively yours for the rest of your life, not that he is your belonging but that he does belong to you. My husband is away and I am having this happy thoughts about him. At the same time, thinking about our long history together, I walked down the path of both happy and sad memories of all the relationship I have had in my life. I wondered why some of my relationships never worked out  and why this one relationship survived through much ordeal.

I think I now know the reason why. He does complete me. He acknowledged and see the real me. The worst thing a man can do to you is seeing you as an object of "pleasure" and as someone he always need to correct and protect. I don't mind man being manly and a man who loves shielding me from all the bad things in the world but I rather wanted to feel equally able to protect myself and that is what I get from him. He gives me my freedom to be selfishly me.

I believe when one is given the room and space to be absolutely herself and himself  that person can make you much happier because he or she is positive about life and will rub off that positive aura on you. Both sides will benefit when both struggle alongside each other to become the best in the each of their area of expertise.

There is a saying that says something like this; You cannot love a bird with a small cage. No matter where the bird wants to fly to, in order for it to soar freely in your heart you have to become larger spiritually and completely let go but stay within an appropriate distance. That says a lot about how we must not cage our beloved. We must not allow any kind of selfishness to rule them and trap them within our own realm. But at the same time, we must not let them go away that they might fly farther not realizing they have fly away too far they are detached from you for eternity. You have to keep that love on fire. In what way?

Marriage is  a hard work. Recently Kris and Kim Kardashian ended their 72 days marriage and although they did not state the reason why it ended it is clear that we do not want to end up divorced like them. Commitment is the key to stay in a marriage. I am unable to accept how some celebrities downplay commitment as if it is a piece of garment that can be discarded at will. If only they plan their commitment as detailed as their wedding ceremony  I am sure nothing like that will happen.But, that is not for me to judge.

For all of us who wish only the best for each other, maybe it is not right to tell others what is right and what is wrong but it would be good to remind ourselves that a relationship ended not just because of one person's fault. There are two sides of a coin. It ended because you are "available" and you are "available" only if you have will your "emotion" to be free for temptation. It doesn't necessarily a temptation from a seemingly better guy but a single life that looks like much better than having someone by your side. But than again, who would want to stay married to a man who clearly mistakes you as a "servant" and not an equally able person. It all comes back to what type of marriage you have committed yourself to. I am sure everyone wants to live happily ever after with their prince or princess.

All the best to us. For better or worse!

Marriage by Gary Chapman & Jerry B.Jenkins (Part II)

Today I am going to review Jerry B.Jenkins's part in this book

The author acknowledged the fact that Christian could not win a victory over lust. Lust was something every man should "flee" from as instructed by Paul in his letter to Timothy in the scriptures. Therefore, His part dwelled on how to flee from lust.

His suggestions included;-

1)To run away from temptation. FLEE

2) To Understand the differences between men and women about their thought processed and sexual triggers. A man turned on by the mere thought of a beautiful woman while a woman aroused by environment, atmosphere, tenderness, romance and touch.

3)To custom made our own hedges to protect ourselves from falling into the trap of temptation.

5) Some of the hedges he suggested were as listed below;-

a) Whenever you dine with unrelated woman/man make it threesome

b) Be careful with TOUCHING. You might shake hands or squeeze an arm or shoulder in greeting but only embrace dear friends (possibly of the same sex only) or relatives but only in front of others.

c)Be careful in paying a compliment. Commenting on a pretty outfit is way different than telling someone how pretty or gorgeous they look.

d) Avoid flirtation or suggestive conversation, even in jest

e) Remember your wedding vows (often)

f) Make time with your family and especially your spouse. Never cease to date and court each other.

Marriage by Gary Chapman & Jerry B.Jenkins (Part I)

I have only been married for roughly a year and what I like the most for the time being is to read book as much as possible on marriage. Different authors with different styles of writing presented varies of ideas and what makes it more interesting is that every one of them gives you a new depth of understanding about marriage.

For example, from preconceived thinking that when you are married you are no longer two but one, I have explored the idea and understand the meaning much deeper after reading a book that you should become one team but you should not lost your own identity when you are married. You need to acquire your own way of being happy apart from being a wife to someone.

I have also understand that when you are married, you are still 100% responsible for your own spiritual life.

From this book, I am thankful I have managed to again gained a lot more meaningful insights about marriage.

This book is a compilation of two books written by different authors. The first one was written by Gary Chapman and the second one was by Jerry B.Jenkins. For today I am going to write down some of the interesting ideas I gained from Garry Chapman write up;-

1) When two people decided to get marry is not necessarily as a result of two people falling madly in love with each other and therefore must get married. It is because and the sole reason that must be the reason for the marriage is because it is the will of God. The story of how Abraham asked his servant to look for a wife for His son has been described in length in the scriptures and it was in that order of which neither Isaac nor Rebekah fall in love with each other first and yet when they become one "she became his wife, and he loved her.

2) Marital unity is not the kind of unity that eradicates personality. Rather, it is the kind of unity that frees you to express your own diversity, yet experience complete oneness with your mate.

3) Rather than blaming your spouse for the various problems in the marriage, ask for the Holy Spirit to reveal your own and ask forgiveness for your own wrongdoings.

4) Contrary to some popular physiological notions, all of our negative emotions do not need to be expressed. Some need to be starved. It is not hypocritical it is simply not feeding the negative feelings. If the negative feelings is not being fed by negative remarks it will help to alleviate it.

5)There are few ways of loving such as with words (compliment, speaking with kindness, to use entreaty rather than command, acceptance (allowing your mate expressing his/her ideas without being put down) ) and with deeds (patient, kind, courteous, unselfish (looks out for the best interest of the person loved)) and lastly by not demanding perfection from one's mate.

6) You must speak with kindness even when you have a negative feelings towards your spouse. Word spoken in anger and negative tone will never turn away wrath.

7) Communication does not come naturally. There are various levels. If you have difficulty verbalizing a problem or communicating your view or feelings, write it down. When you start to get angry, stop discussion and withdraw for a while until you are able to put your feelings under control. There is no point engaging in a conversation while you are angry.If you are not communicating because you do not want to hurt your spouse, examine your motive in the first place. Honesty does not compel us to express all these feelings. We must allow these feelings to go through the sieve of "edification." If they come out as bombs then, defuse them before it destroyed both of you. Genuine love moves out to stimulate growth even if it must be accompanied with pain.In the area where you lack self-confidence, you must think that you also have strengths and you have succeeded in many things and will continue to succeed in many more. Seek to be your best under God's direction. Do not worry about those things beyond your control. Just be your best.

8) Determine each other's role by basically following the Scriptures guidelines (1) the husband is the provider (2) the wife is the homemaker.

9)Allow the husband accept his responsibility as the head of the family in whatever circumstances it might be. The moment you allow him to withdraw from his responsibility he would never learn how to be one in his lifetime with you.

10)Share your ideas, by all means but use those ideas to come to the best decision. Not my ideas versus your ideas, but our ideas and our decision. "we feel, we think; we decided." This is the language of unity

11)Parents' suggestions should be given due consideration. They are older and perhaps wiser.

12) The "necessities" of life are relatively few. They can be met on your present income.


Cheers!

From anger to intimacy written by Gary Smalley & Ted Cunninghim

These are some of the important points I personally liked and would like to take account from this book.

1. The word you longed to hear - No matter what word you’ve longed to hear – I forgive you, I love you, I’m proud of you – there are some people who won’t or can’t say them. But your forgiveness tank is not based on the other person; it’s based on your relationship with God. People are not the one who can fill you up. That’s God job! Allow Him to be the source of your strength and hope and love and forgiveness. When you are replenished and overflowing, you will become the source of life and strength to others. In the process you’ll help them climb out of their pit as well.

2. Closed spirit – If your spouse has a closed spirit on you, try to work on the only person you can change: you.

3. Become a Great wordsmith – When you use the same words repeatedly with your spouse, sooner or later they will come off as insincere. Try to find fresh new words to convey your feelings.

4. Nine roadblocks to happiness, read (here) – you are the common denominator in your relationships.

5. People who angered you - Make a list of people who have offended you, hurt you or let you down. Seek reconciliation and forgiveness now.

6. Concentrate on your own spiritual journey - While a couple may start out following Jesus together, there may come a day when one spouse gives up faith and stop growing. There are three journeys here:

a. Your spiritual journey. You are 100% responsible to discover your gifts and be good steward of your walk with Christ. Your mate is 0% responsible for this journey.

b. Your mate spiritual journey. You are 0% responsible for this journey, but your mate is 100% responsible to discover his or her gifts and be good steward of his or her walk with Christ.

c. Your marital journey. You both are to honour, encourage and assist each other throughout a lifetime of commitment.

7. If you are addicted to something - Break the addiction by;-

a. Hiding nothing. Confess your sins.

b. Receiving forgiveness. Receive forgiveness, let go of the guilt and shame and see yourself as God now sees you.

c. Redefining yourself. Redefine yourself in light of God’s love, strength, love power and redemption.

d. Recruiting assistants. Have friends to encourage and rebuke you.

e. Practicing spiritual disciplines. Practice three spiritual disciplines ( consistent prayer time, regular quiet time, great relationships)

f. Writing letters and reading books

8. If your spouse is addicted to something – Recover from your spouse’s addiction or affair by;-

a. Taking time to mourn. Acknowledge the pain, surrounds yourself with friends and Christian counselors. Take time to heal. Don’t expect an immediate healing.

b. Creating boundaries. Guard your heart and body from any level of perversion.

c. Becoming a learner. Understand more about the deadly cycle of addiction.

d. Not taking the blame. Recognize that you are not the reason for your mate’s stumble, struggle or addiction.

e. Choosing to forgive. Even if your spouse is unrepentant, you must forgive.

f. Assisting your spouse’s recovery. Rather than trying to change your spouse or play moral police, pray for your spouse and challenge him or her to get the help and support he or she needs.

9. How to maintain marriages (examples from real life couples);-

a. Write notes. Write note to each other to communicate.

b. Remember your date night. Couples who enjoy regular date night often maintain deeper levels of communication and openness. Date night gives couples time to connect, discuss issues and enjoy each other.

c. Phone home while you are on the road

d. Talk pillow talk. Go to bed early before exhaustion sets in.

e. Feed the kids early

f. Don’t bring everything home

Gratitude

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life
it turns what we have into enough and more
It turns denials into acceptance
chaos to order, confusion to clarity.
It can turn a meal into a feast,
a house into a home, a stranger into a friend
~ Melody Beattie

I once was in a deep conversation with a colleague of mine about our struggles. I think that was during the time when I was very much concern about getting married. I was nervous about being a part of someone else life. I was scared about getting married and being away from him at the same time. Needless to say, I was worrying so much.

This friend of mine didn't have a problem like the one I was facing but she encouraged me to never cease praying. In particular she asked me not to complain and to ask for what I want but to be thankful to God for whatever it is happening in my life. She said she had have a marital problem before and for so many years she asked God why all those terrible things happening to her marriage when She had done what she thought was good in His eyes. Her prayers were always the same but her situation never change until one day she stopped complaining to GOD, decided to let go the heavy burden off her shoulder and started thanking Him for everything. Then, everything changed.

Sometimes, it is not by asking God that we will receive all the things that we needed, it is by thanking him. He always provide.

Just be more grateful.

I am blessed indeed.

:)