I have always thought to myself that, If I ever have a man in my life, I would never cling to him in whatever circumstances it might be. But then, when I really think about the thoughts that run through my head, it makes me feel very sad. How can you love and need someone without clinging to him? How can you securely tell yourself that you are fine by yourself when you don't feel that way?
Having and loving someone in your life is like leaning your head on his shoulder. It feels peaceful, secure and comfortable. It is like someone holding your hands and you can feel the warmth running through all your veins without even looking up to his face. It is like someone calling you to turn around when you are just about to leave thinking that you are not needed.
Love? No matter how much I try to understand it I could never really comprehend it. I like the feeling of being loved, but hated an obsession. I asked myself if that is so how do I know which one is for keep when i don't even know how to distinguish between love and an obsession. When I love how I am and when I am obsessed how I am?
In actuality, I just wanted to feel that hand hold my hand and feel the warmth. I don't need a hug not even a kiss. I need that shoulder to lean on to rest my aching soul and I need that head to at least turn on my direction and call me by my name to acknowledge my existence.
Because sometimes...more than once..I felt being abandoned. Like a girl standing at the back door watching his back not knowing what to do. Should I run to him or should I wait for him to come to me?
Maybe..just maybe..I am the one who is abandoning him..maybe..our world and meaning of love differ so greatly I would never understand it..or just yet.
I don't want to say this but..truly as in my madness at the moment I really must say...Sometime, waiting is just not part of me and hoping is a by gone.
Maybe one day when I am done with arguing over logic and absurdity of feeling, I'll be jumping in joy. So today,let me just..sleep on it. I am tired.
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