More than “I love you..

There are words when being uttered means a lot to somebody and I am excluding “I love you” because it says a lot but it lacks some depth if its confessed without properly laying a foundation of other “more than I love you” string of words. The words that I am talking about are words like:-

1. I will wait

2. May I ….

3. I believe in you

4. Try me

5. I am different

When I am confused and could not reach to a decision yet, I would want the person to say “I will wait”

When a person wanted to be close to me but sensing how apprehensive I am towards any kind of abrasive move, I would be melted when the person started with saying “May I…

When I feel weak and needed someone to encourage me, I hope someone tap on my shoulder or even look at me straight on my face and said “I believe in you”

When I am burdened with trouble and needed to share it with someone without feeling guilty of burdening them as much, I would be comfortable to speak about it when the person said “Try me”

When I am not sure how to put my trust into someone who desperately wanted to gain my affection I would be convinced to surrender my heart and soul when the person said “I am different”.

Those words are bold and convincing; able to shelter me from my insecurity and also able to pull me out of my shell.

Those words are more than enough to let me feel that the person is in love with me and in the process of listening and taking in every word I will certainly fall head over heels for the person.

I fall hard and that’s when I know and I will say the word “I love you” over and over again because there would be no other words left to express the overwhelming feeling I feel inside.

It’s a blessing to be loved by you.

What's in the box?

I was in the middle of watching the movie “Eat, Pray and love” when a thought came across my mind. It was all related to the movie. In one scene the lady was asking her friend when did she decided to have a baby and the friend answered her “I started stuffing a lot of baby thingy inside a box since I was married and have been keeping it there until me and my husband were finally ready to have a baby”. Just then, the lady came to think of her own life aka her marriage and her dream. She said “I have a similar box but it was filled with articles about traveling to the places that I have been wishing I could go to”. Not the exact conversation but similar meaning.

Now, the box thing the women discussed lengthy about triggered me to think of my own dream. If I am as free as one can be without restrictions what were the dreams I used to have?

About two weeks ago I had almost the same conversation with my girlfriends. We are all adults not so happily working women thinking about all the same thing which is; while the work pays, it’s no longer fun. We all then spoke to each other of our heart desire in the future. Even though it was only mentioned perhaps only out of fantasy but one of my friend did say something that really made me think hard. I really am still thinking about what she has said. Something in me is asking myself back; is it possible??? And followed by: Maybe I should try.

Between now and then when I am most capable of dreaming I wish like the woman in the story I would be able to pursue it one by one. It dawned on me that when I started to organize things from January to December it really feels like I am running out of time. There is not much thing that I am able to accomplish the way I wish it to be.

I am cracking my head once in a while and I think if I keep looking out for a way to really make all my dreams come true it will soon happen.

Come to think of it. What is inside my box? I have to get back the exact items that I have been stuffing inside it all these years. I must reopen it back, take a glance and perhaps make it real this time around.

Emmm..let me just finish the movie first. I am hoping to get an answer at the end of the movie; of the content in my box …^_^

To have a dream is a blessing.

Recovering from the losses of life by H.Norman Wright

I like this book. First and foremost is because of how broad the subject being elaborated by the author. Reading a book written by someone who is honestly in bereavement himself is really touching. It is clearly showing that the writer wants to help others as much as he is trying to help himself. In this world where the loss of someone or something makes you breakdown or even lead you to commit suicide, this would be a good book to read.

Listed are the few interesting lessons I learned from this book.

1. Losses of life are not just about the death or departure of someone you love but about things that make a life to you such as a job and a home.

2. Without properly saying goodbye to something that means a lot to someone may cause a depression.

3. Coping with losses may take a long time but can be learned and done by taking simple step such as saying goodbye to the things that remind you most about the person or by writing letters as many as you can to the person without actually sending it (for yours to keep) who have left until you emptied your heart out.

4. It is not wrong to cry when you are reminded about the person from time to time. When words are most empty, tears are most apt.

5. When you are consoling someone who is in bereavement comfort her/him with the right words such as lending a helping hand.

6. All of us are a future handicap. It means one day we all are going to lose something that makes our heart break such as the passing or a death of someone we have spend our life time with or a job we have dedicated our lives too.

7. Who you are in your words describes what life means to you and the descriptions you make about yourself determine the length and the width of life to you.

Bittersweet of loving you

I have always thought to myself that, If I ever have a man in my life, I would never cling to him in whatever circumstances it might be. But then, when I really think about the thoughts that run through my head, it makes me feel very sad. How can you love and need someone without clinging to him? How can you securely tell yourself that you are fine by yourself when you don't feel that way?

Having and loving someone in your life is like leaning your head on his shoulder. It feels peaceful, secure and comfortable. It is like someone holding your hands and you can feel the warmth running through all your veins without even looking up to his face. It is like someone calling you to turn around when you are just about to leave thinking that you are not needed.

Love? No matter how much I try to understand it I could never really comprehend it. I like the feeling of being loved, but hated an obsession. I asked myself if that is so how do I know which one is for keep when i don't even know how to distinguish between love and an obsession. When I love how I am and when I am obsessed how I am?

In actuality, I just wanted to feel that hand hold my hand and feel the warmth. I don't need a hug not even a kiss. I need that shoulder to lean on to rest my aching soul and I need that head to at least turn on my direction and call me by my name to acknowledge my existence.

Because sometimes...more than once..I felt being abandoned. Like a girl standing at the back door watching his back not knowing what to do. Should I run to him or should I wait for him to come to me?

Maybe..just maybe..I am the one who is abandoning him..maybe..our world and meaning of love differ so greatly I would never understand it..or just yet.

I don't want to say this but..truly as in my madness at the moment I really must say...Sometime, waiting is just not part of me and hoping is a by gone.

Maybe one day when I am done with arguing over logic and absurdity of feeling, I'll be jumping in joy. So today,let me just..sleep on it. I am tired.

Happy New Year 2011

Hello hello..

Wow..its a new year. Sorry for keeping you all waiting for my new entry for the year. I bet you guys miss me as much as I miss writing, right?..huhu.

So many things happened lately. I wish I could write each and every one of it. But, guess what? I am just gonna talk about my car 9153. I have been having trouble with this small car of mine lately. To put it simply let me just put a list of things that has happened to it for the past 2 months;-

1. Someone tried to break in my car, or tried to steal the air press that one side was totally broke and missing.

2. One of my newly changed tyres blow up (its more like exploded).

3. I got police summons for non-functioning third break light.

4. Just recently, somebody was on the wrong lane and made me crash on her car, which made me looked as if I am the one who rammed her car and in stupidity I followed her husband instruction to pay everything for the damaged incurred. Wow..this one really drove me crazy...and being the peaceful, meek one..was a curse for that fateful day. It really shook me up for one whole day.

Yet..the beauty of those long list of incidents were, it wakes me up. It has its way to bang my head and remind me to really wake up early to go to work and do something with my life.

Its like the first day when I went to work and my superior came in my office demanding for the office work/assignment that I have totally agreed to finish before going off to holiday, which I didn't. She went in, not so much scolded me, because I knew I could finish within that day, but really when she barged in and said all those words of how she trusted me and that face of her..I was like "Thank you". I really want someone to bark at me like that. I need someone to talk harshly to me like that.

My mom. She really has spoiled me. Now I realized how important she is. I miss how harsh she was, how she disciplined me with words and how easily she rose up my anger and my spirit with a few spiteful words.

That must be crazy. But that exactly how I feel. I need something like that. Soft spoken words do not fire me up. I need beautiful, crafted words with anger. The kind of things that I am so used to. The kind of words that I have been trying to avoid all my life. But the kind of words that made me steel, made me wanted to run away and achieve more.

So its a great awakening, to be troubled with something like a hard earned small car getting into so many calamities.

It is exactly what I need to put me back into the real world and kick off my new year with a new start.

I love life because indeed..indeed..I am so blessed

Happy New Year everyone! And kamshamida for reading this..^_^