Addiction

The other day I asked my husband what he wanted to be when he was young. He said he wanted to become a **** ( I am sorry it was a private conversation). However, it dawned on me that whatever was in his thought before, that was exactly who I wished to be with in the past. And it came as a surprise because I just knew it. I thought I would surprise him more with mine but I was so surprised with his that I did not tell him mine.

I had a weird one. I used to be involved in a school theatre when I was in form 2 and it sparked my interest in this so called acting. And then again, when I was in the primary school I was very good in story telling. It felt good to become someone else and tell a story about something.

So I always thought about; how does it feel like to be an actress?? Must be fun right??? ^_^ I get to play various kind of characters and become someone else from one play to another *dreaming***. *-^. I really think its fun provided that I do have a talent and the whole package of becoming one. But...that was just... a wishful thinking that would remain as such.Nope. It won't happen. :P

This is the real deal. Lately I have been watching korean dramas alot. I think it has come to the point of addiction. After watching quite a few, I noticed how I developed an interest or perhaps crush in some of the actors during those viewing and then how difficult it was to build another interest in a different drama if the casts were different.

So what I do was, after reading the synopsis I just needed to convince myself that it was good enough to view and I would start to follow on the series. Only when I opened up my mind for a new change and be more attentive did I again develop an interest in the drama and the whole cast. Sad to say looks does count. ^_^ Unless of course the character was supposed to be dumb and ugly but please not the actor. It's too much. hmmm...see how picky people can be....^_^

I found one interesting thing tho". There was one similiarity between drama and real life. It was the process of developing an interest to someone. It takes time. It takes time to like an actor from one drama to another. Its the same in real life. It takes time to like someone after liking someone else. We can't really have so many people we can consider as we "like". it seems like we are apt to go for specialization when it comes to a person. If his life seems to be dramatic enough?? :P and interesting enough to match your criteria, than you are going to like him. The key were: SLOW progress and ATTENTION required.

In a drama, I figured if the story line was catchy enough (fun, entertaining, interesting) and the chemistry between the main actor and main actress was good, then I could survive to watch the drama until the end. But of course, along the line I would become curious enough to know the background of the actors and if the chemistry was so good I would wonder if they were real life couple..hehe...emm.

So it was like having a crush from one person to the next. hahah. Its funny because I never had that kind of feeling towards film stars. Only now when I watched more drama do I understand a little bit about how does it feel like to be a fan. I am positive now that I am going to be a strong follower of micky Yoochon and Lee Min ho.. huhu :P

Actually, I am quite worried about my new addiction. It turns me into coach potato. I stay home the whole day worrying only about my next 2 meal (lunch and dinner) and the laundry. But its a bit difficult to curb it at the moment since I don't have much plan in a day apart from going off to work.

Right now, I am enjoying this much. Its fun to explore new things just by watching dramas. You get new ideas and if you are observant enough you will get to know which are the stars worth to watch again in a play.

Its a newfound world.

By the way, I am glad I am not an actress. Its a blessing to have a quite life.

I am blessed indeed.

Regrets of the past.

Do you have any regrets in your life? I do. I don't have many but I do have a few. I know I regretted it because it keeps coming back in my dream and becomes almost like a nightmare. The unfulfilled wish or desire.

I Keep dreaming about going for an add math exam and meeting my grandmother. I did not fail my add math but I did not do well either. It keeps bugging me that if only I did not transfer school I would have a better result. It was because I simply could not catch up with the add math lessons when I transferred to another school.I really love maths. So, I regretted that part of my life. Not my whole life after transferring school, only the Math part. Apart from that, I am grateful to be there.

My grandmother was special. To me she was an angel. Being with her made me feel protected and shielded from all the worries in the world. She was one person I could run to when the chaos at home became unbearable. She was deaf. So most of the time  when I was there, we didn't spoke and I never complained. I only stayed by her side, spacing out a little and perhaps half - listened to all her stories, while brushing away the tears from my eyes which she never noticed. But her mere presence comforted me because she had a bright smile and a radiant face like a true living angel. I love her the most. When she passed away, I was not ready to let her go.I am not sure if I ever have. I lost something to keep me warm. A familiar face that always smile.

But then, regrets that always occur in a dream is a past that will never return. Right now, there is a regret that I am not really sure how to put  it into words. Although it won't change all the decision that I have made, it keeps me restless for one sole reason; its wrong. I feel that I have been wronged in a way that I wish could be changed and yet, I feel that I was wrong too. But most of all with all the things that coming through my head, I just want to let it go. Feel more at peace and let it be.

I really do not want to live with some regrets hanging in the air. Although things happened so it won't repeat itself again in the future still I wish I have a peace of mind.

Writing it down, making it public, telling people not to regret. Maybe that's not what I intend to do.

I just want to share a little of my burden so I  can move on with a peaceful mind.

I am just being selfish again. ^_^

arrgg...Thanks for the air. Thank God, I am able to write this down.

I am happy

& I am blessed indeed.

The Way to be Joyful

Its time for confession.

I have been in a situation whereby, the bad time seemed to be the worst time and a good time seemed to be a mere unprecedented occurrence.

That was how incapable I was in savoring a moment at its best. I had this impeccable imagination that things were much worst than what its already were and things were not good as how it looked like.

It is hard to be in someone else shoes but it is even harder and impossible to get into someone else mind. You would not have an idea of what running through someone's head. You would not understand why one feel differently from you in a same situation.

I never wish to feel at my worst.I just never know what and how to feel differently. I guess I did know why. It was because I was studying what happiness was from someone closest to me but I never once saw the flicker of joy in that eye. Its very disturbing and confusing to not know why was it so hard to feel "happy".

So things happened and I was clueless. In a way, it became some sort of purpose. To look for the mysterious meaning of happiness. So, when I did come across people who seemed to have the joy in the world, I question myself. Why are they not seem to be troubled at all? What makes them so happy? Why are they seem to be living in a different part of the world? Are they having a better situation at home? They don't have a sick parents? a nagging parents? They have brothers and sisters to share their heart with? They don't have to worry about the burden put on their shoulders ~ school exams, works, rules in everything? There is nobody trying to make fun of them because they don't wear nice clothes? They have never been rejected in a relationship because they are either too smart, too stupid, or not pretty enough?

While going through adulthood, I went through most of those things like most people do. But to me, there was never a perfect day. Even the day I got perfect result for my PMR, I just stood there clenching my fist crumpling the result slip, not having anything to feel. I wondered why I worked so hard for something which in the end, did not make me feel euphoric or something called "joy". Why?

There was a void in my heart.

Until one magnificent day when I found my saviour or should I say, when He found me. ^_^. Yup. Things changed. Not the situations but the way I feel. Complicated things has now become a simplified matters.

"joy" jumped out of my soul without reasons. My heart and my brain just stop to reason because its there.

And I started to smile more. Yup. Some friends used to say I wear a frown on my face. Never smile.

Hmm.. how true that a saviour can turn your world upside down.

Still, it was only the beginning. Encountering life difficulty from time to time still happened a lot but the love that I have received strengthened me from end to end.

Although I do not understand it I know how differently I feel now. I have become more human who are now able to feel happy. That makes a big difference.

It was not a man who made me feel that way. It was and it is my Lord and my Saviour, God.

The one thing that was missing in my life. The one thing that makes everything fall into place.

Worst time became a learning time and good time became an appreciation time.

I wonder if there was someone out there who have been in a similar situation like me?

I wonder if they knew the secret to be happy?

I wonder if they knew that the suffering was just in their mind and the cure was only by knowing their one true love.

I know you all have heard that a lot so I am just making my own statement here. Maybe one day I can just say "I told you so" which is better that someone pointing finger at me and said," why didn't you tell me?

In a normal situation I would have wanted to explain things further but there is something that cannot be explained when it comes to "faith", because its something that you have to believe and to receive first before understanding it. And when both happened, there will be no need for explanation.

But of course, still it all comes down to one person which is you. Believe and you will receive.

What is happiness?

The joy of living?

My other half said, as long as we are living in this world, there will be no such thing called "happiness". To be honest, I was dumbfounded hearing him said that. It sounded rather *puzzling.

An honest opinion of someone you dearly care about, sometimes make your whole idea of things like "happiness" come tumbling down. Its not that his statement is wrong per se it just that, what is that suppose to mean? I am curious.

Then, I started babbling about happiness as such and such like making beautiful moments to be good enough to remember in a bad day. But then, right then and there it struck me like a lightning bolt that..deep down inside I don't believe an ounce of what comes out from my own mouth and no..happiness shouldn't be described that way. hmmm..it should be something more..

So, how should I described it then? But..there are plenty of times that I am happy. Moments that I treasured. Even though,the happy moments come and go, but it still there hovering over my head just in time to comfort me when I needed it the most.

Then, I must be true somehow to describe it as "the beautiful moments that we make without actually realizing it which makes us happy from time to time". Something to remember that bring a smile upon our face. Puzzle solved?

Nah..I am not sure how to convince my husband that he shouldn't burden himself so much to think about happiness in an ultimatum way like forever being happy, because for sure there is something missing when there is no more sorrow day to come. Isn't sorrow a remarkable thing? It bring us down and yet when we are back on our own two feet , we became almost invincible. ^_^

But then, sometimes we are on our own to figure things out. Yup. I am done with that.

I am happy.