Are you okay?

I was asked a few times this past few days if I was okay? If I was alright? It was a question that always caught me off guard. It sounded so thoughtful, it numbed me. Of course I answered "yes, I am alright, I am okay".

But, why did they ask me that? My superior said, "Don't let your problems be written all over your face. It makes you unapproachable. You look so "DOWN", no one dares to disturb you. That's my honest assessment of you"

Her remarks left me feeling "troubled". In fact it felt so wrong, I could not stop thinking about it.

Have you ever heard the terms "not in the right place" and "not sharing the same values". I am about to make few excuses here.

I have been struggling alot fitting in. I still feel out of place. There are people I could not mix with no matter how much I tried. But then, probably I am just too self-centered.

Yes, I am so lacking in "leading department". Exerting authority is like pulling my hair out. It feels so DEMANDING and so out of my territory. I don't know how to describe it. I just could not pull it off. Managing people is my worst skill.

I am trying to change with much effort but on the other hand, I am thinking, is there something a SELF-CENTERED person who could not lead like me, could actually do without having to manage so many people like "THAT".

Maybe not. She is right, I am so good in individual work but my weakness in one particular area, which is the most important part overshadowed my strength. They could as well throw me to the crocodile and be done with it. Because, it is simply like throwing a meat. A commodity so irreplaceable.

She said, She has been there. One day maybe it would be my turn to say so.

Now, i just could not like the things as there are.

But let me not just flop and die. I know I am better than that.

The terrible blessed me. God,..I am looking at you.